Sun Kissed Days

Sun Kissed Days

Friday, January 22, 2016

Happy Birthday Son

You took my breath away

Thirty years ago when I first saw you, you took my breath away. Your skin wrinkled, you sobbed with the look of distress sprinkled on your face . As soon as I held you, you ceased to cry. I had never felt love the way I did up until that moment. Every breath I have taken since has been filled with love and unwavering dedication for you.
Thirty years seems so hard to comprehend perhaps because I was twenty four when you were born. My infant son is now a man and what a beautiful human being you are. A man that makes the world a better place to be in. An Emergency Room doctor in one of the most prestigious hospitals in the United States. Altruism began early for you. As a small child and later as a teenager helping your grandparents at their business, going home with them and cleaning the kitchen and bathroom for them without them asking . Visiting your grandma at the hospital and taking her clothes saturated with urine to wash for her. At the same time volunteering at the hospital that you were born in. The first day there you witnessed a code blue and you experienced  the grief that a family had to go through when they lost their loved one. That was the day that you told me that you want to be a doctor and that you want to help people. Helping people is natural to you . The people that know you love you. They can’t help but feel your contagious enthusiasm and the light that shines from you. It was not easy for you. I raised you alone from the time you were nineteen months old until you were nine years old. You had a strong will and you were not defined by the mistakes your parents made. You embraced the truth without shame and you plowed through all the obstacles like the champion that you are. You faced the curve balls and taught me lessons in accepting life with grace. I tried to shield you from the storms but you in return showed me how to face them.
Joshua, I can tell you stories of our life and how certain moments are engraved in my soul. How my heart swelled with pride with so many things you have done and that you have accomplished. Your service, your integrity, your moral compass, luminous in the world. I remember the first time our eyes interlocked, you smiled when you saw how my eyes lit up. You must have heard my heartbeat loud next to your tiny body. I remember how having you was the greatest miracle in my life. A mother remembers , as I remember the tapestry of our life created by a million little and big moments. I remember you carrying your British soldiers into our first home. I remember how you would pull all your toys in front of the garage and share them with your friends as you wore a fireman’s hat with a siren. There were Christmas mornings, birthdays, bath times and reading time every night. There were trips to museums and bookstores and libraries. There were doctor visits, toothless smiles,viruses, ear infections long nights that I watched you while you were sleeping. There were conversations about life and following your heart and living your life with passion. I wanted you to have a life, a better life than mine. I wanted to help you create your happiness. Nearly one year ago, my better half (the man that helped me raise you with love in his heart) and I stood by your side as you married your soulmate. We felt immense happiness as both of you said your vows to one another. It was magical to feel the love,palpable in the room. Family and friends came from far and wide to celebrate with you. I hope you always feel the love that we felt that night from all the people that care for you both. Son, what is a son but a miracle. I wish you all the best on your birthday and every day. May your journey continue to be full of wonder and curiosity. May your heart remain full of compassion for humanity. May you love and be loved always. May you be joyous with all the simple things that life has to offer. I love you forever and always.
You have been my greatest lesson in life and I am honored and humbled to be your mom.


Thursday, January 7, 2016


I don't remember if the Palm fronds
swayed outside the window.
I don't remember
what day it was.
Her words spilled like
salt grains,
without reservation or anticipation
nor regret.
Her words froze
in mid air
and as they melted 
into my consciousness 
I looked into her eyes
to recognize a glimmer of regret.
It was simple
laid out
for me to examine and explore.
She was not going to keep me
she was not
going to give me life.
I was a pawn in life's chess game,
sour slices of memory seared
my being and
floated to the surface.
I remember the hollow feeling,
the feverish way
my skin tingled
as it broke into a rash.
She loved me,
as I digested
her words
I wondered
if she could ever understand
how she altered my world.
If I had not lived
 what would her
snow globes look like,
dark with slush
or shimmering with light.
She would not have known
 a daughter's 
nor gentle words in which she 
cradled life.
I held her hand when she took
her last breath,
she never understood
why her words pieced my soul.
She never understood how she altered
my world.