Sun Kissed Days
Monday, August 30, 2010
I have a confession to make. My parents were hoarders. They began collecting, and their journey ended as hoarding. I feel ashamed to make this statement. I feel like this statement is a betrayal—a betrayal of my parents, whom I love with all my heart. The truth is that the transition from collecting to hoarding happens with time.
It happens when the purchases take over. It happens when a trail needs to be opened up from one room to the other room. It happens when the things that you own are not located when necessary. I was upset when my parents were alive because I felt that they were not safe. My mom fall and broke her hip. I felt that my parents quality of life vanished as more possessions accumulated . Now that they passed away I feel the burden. As I deal with the mess that is left behind my wound does not heal. My wound remains open. Every time a scab lightly covers the wound something happens. A wound that is deep . A wound that gets pried into without a chance for it to restore itself .
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
" When do you not miss me mom"
I laughed , how true!
As an infant I cradled you
in your sleep
watching the wonder that you are.
I listened to your breathing
watching the lines of your face.
My heart was full with love,
my soul was soaring.
You are a man ,
you listen to me
you lift me
you humble me.
You make me want to be
the best .
You make me want to soar.
My precious son,
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
I had inner strength. What my mom didn't know was that the strength she believed I possessed would
dissipate when I had to watch her die. How the pain of losing her would leave a scar in my soul. I have gone through feelings of anger,guilt, sadness, and acceptance. Last year at this time I was desperate for her pain to end. The pain of losing her brought me to my knees. The strength the she believed that flows through my veins
carries me through this journey.
Monday, August 23, 2010
we found a sea urchin,
a parrot fish and a
Pelican looking for a meal.
Our eyes feast at the beauty
that surround us .
You my little boy smile
and call out, "Hi Pelican"
offering a cookie crumb
sticking to your chubby fingers.
You amaze me,
We are surrounded by clear blue waters
you absorb it all.
Grandpa with his fishing net,
daddy with his fishing rod
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Someone had come into this house and they took a box of jewelry. Sentimental items that were gifts for different occasions. Another box was taken, a box of award pins that were given for excellence at work and charitable work at the church. Fun jewelry was taken,necklaces that my sister in law played with when she was a child. Necklaces that she thought that she would share in play with her own daughter. Colorful necklaces of reds and purples, the kind of necklaces that make little girls feel special.
This someone took her computer. The computer had the story of the family history that she's been attempting to capture through memory. A history to leave behind for the next generation. Her computer which is a link to family and friends through email and facebook. My little one asked me who would do such a thing and I answered a bad person that's who. There was no hesitation in my reply and there was no doubt in my mind.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
There was savoring the last week of freedom. There was playing in the pool and going to the movies.
There was playing on the DSi and a trip to Borders to buy book number eight of the 39 Clues series.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
about your day.
You tell me tales about
the trail of sand in your shoes.
You tell me tales about fossils
that you excavate in the school yard.
You are so proud
of the treasures that you find,
You tell me tales
about the games
that you invent
and about a shark
that you draw.
I listen to your tales
amazed by every story
that you tell.
I listen to your tales
happy to be the keeper of your tales.
I listen and treasure your tales
the way I treasure you.
Monday, August 16, 2010
I watched you as you lay in peace as your suffering ended.
Your beauty angelic, your beauty present.
I said goodbye, I held you the way you held me so many times.
You had brought me into this world and now I was witnessing you leaving it.
My thoughts have flooded my being, a wave of emotions as rapid as your last breaths.
I have revisited a lifetime of memories.
I have questioned choices that we made, while you were still alive.
Choices that were difficult because we didn't want you to suffer.
Choices that are still hard and yet should be light because of your pain and your quality of life. Your fingers were bruised by needles. Needles that pointed to your map of suffering.
Your arms and legs swollen from shutting down.
My soul in a rage, my spirit lost. All I wanted was for you to be free.
I wanted you to have peace.
Now you do.
" I miss you mom "
I only wish you know how much!