How Well Do We Know?

How well do we know faith?
How deep do we search within?
Do we anchor in the bay,
do we go out to sea?
The bay lulls us to sleep,
the sea stormy liberates our fears.
How well do we know ourselves?
We want to change the world,
but turn away from hard truths.
There are scars in our souls,
invisible bandages cover them so safely
but the scars heal over time.
How well do I know myself?
My cathedral is in the woods,
my church is in the ocean. 
I believe in so many things.
I believe in peace and love.
I believe in saving lost souls.
I believe in life's second chances.
I am still climbing a mountain,
my eyes still bright and knowing,
my arms open, my heart open.
How accepting are we to others?
How forgiving are we to them?
Live with reason and a purpose.
Live with tolerance and live free.
Live with a conscious and truth, 
then you will really know yourself.

Time

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on"- Henry Ellis

Saturday morning I went for a walk in my neighborhood. The sun was caressing me. I was taking swift steps as I tried to breathe deep breaths. I was anxious and I was trying to soothe myself. I took notice of the familiar homes and flowers planted in front of them. I revisit these streets the way I revisit a favorite book, remembering passages and words that evoke emotion and meaning inside of me. My thoughts always take me back to memories that we have made here. As I kept walking I noticed the swing in front of one of the homes was gone. It was up there for ten years. A simple rope with a oval wood flat swing . I felt sad. When Daniel was fourteen months old we ventured into this street. He pointed his little finger and declared in his sweet voice,"oval!" and I was shocked because he recognized the shape that he had only seen in flash cards. I was delighted. Afterward whenever we passed the house with the oval swing he would joyfully say oval. Obviously he enjoyed the attention that day and he took notice to the pride that I felt in his achievement. Our oval swing was gone, and now that it was gone I feared that the memory will fade. Daniel is ten and there are memories that I no longer remember with the same sharpness or detail. We are going through the stages, growing changes, during lunch this past week Daniel lost a tooth. His first molar. The sad moment for me was when he said, "you know that I don't believe in the tooth fairy." Another sign that things are changing here. Life is changing and we are changing with it.

Ozzy Osbourne-Out of The Box

Can music make you step out of the box? My answer is yes, music is the sound to which my soul dances to. I love music but I am not a fan of heavy rock or metal. Last night that changed. We attended Ozzy Osbourne's Scream tour concert. My husband loves Ozzy and the last time he saw him in concert he was a teenager. The Prince of Darkness gave an amazing performance. He jumped with the boundless energy of a young boy. He roused the crowd, his voice was strong. He shouted, "let's make this one of the best nights of our life". I believed him. His band played brilliantly and I loved a guitar solo from Gus G. Ozzy gave his heart to everyone there. I felt it. I was swept up in the moment, in the electric energy the night had. I went to this concert for my husband, I knew it would be an experience. What I didn't know was that I would love it and that both of us would have such an amazing night.

The Novelty Of A Ball

As a thirteen year old boy,
war was cruel, sad, and gray.
There was no place to escape,
there were dreadful, piercing, loud sounds.
There was gratitude to be alive.
A ball made out of rags,
such a novelty in that place.
The stench of death always looming.
That boy grew up to survive,
the camp, the war, the sadness.
That boy was my dear father,
not only he survived the war,
but his spirit always soared high.
He lived his life with gratitude.
Growing up he was my hero,
he taught me through his example.
To fight for what I believe,
to live on my own terms.
To be kind and help others,
to seek truth and live fully.
His life read like a novel,
his legacy continues through our life.

Follow The Passion

"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."-Angela Schwindt

Last night I had a conversation with my son. He was indulging me by listening to small details that I was sharing with him. On most days he is rushed. He is living a busy life of a third year medical student. The other day he was on call at the hospital for thirty hours straight . After our conversation my thoughts drifted to the past, my little boy so proud to give me a Lego heart that he built for me. It wasn't on Valentine's Day it was a regular day. He was always affectionate and attentive. I remember when I went to visit him at Duke University where he was an undergrad we were at the Nasher Museum of Art at Duke. After we went through the exhibits we strolled through the museum store. There was a paperweight that said, "If you can imagine it, you can achieve it. If you can dream it, you can become it." Josh said, "that's cool". I agreed and I wanted to purchase it for him. He declined stating that he doesn't need it. Months later I remembered the quotation which later I found out to be a quote of William Arthur Ward. I called up the museum and I ordered the paperweight for Josh. I remember when I gave it to him, he was surprised and delighted that I remembered. " I always remember and take notice of what you say", I announced proudly. Last night I had to remind myself that I always told him to follow his passion. I feel left behind because he doesn't have the time to give me. But this is what we want for our children, we want them to live their life fully and to be whole. Some days it's harder to accept that they are grown and no longer need us for guidance. Some days there's a void even thought there is always gratitude that they are living their dream.

Sweet Nothings And Valentine's Day

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies."-Aristotle

When I met my husband, he had a sixteen year old dog. A mix of  German Shepperd, his fur was black and his coat still shined. His name was Mako, because my husband loves sharks. Mako was old and feeble. Husband was dedicated to his care and toward the end when Mako could not walk, husband would carry him outside. I watched and I remember thinking that this man with his boyish good looks possessed a heart of gold. Imagine how he would care for an ailing wife. ( not that I wanted to find out ! ) This was a long time ago and since then our life has been rich with a home life, our boys, adventures and loss. Husband has made me laugh when I have wanted to cry. He has been my rock in trying times. A few days ago we celebrated Valentine's Day. We went on a date. We sat at a restaurant waiting for our meal. We were touching each other, connected to one another. There were no sweet nothings said but there was flirtation and knowing glances, and familiar laughter. Anyone watching us would believe that our love was brand new. We are fortunate that this is the dance of our life. Hand in hand. My love wraps him like a blanket and his love sustains me. Love evolves, love goes through this dance we call life. As long as we nourish it love grows.

Second Chances

The infant was abandoned in front
of the orphanage with a note.
The note pinned to his chest,
stated that she was giving up.
She couldn't help herself she said,
she is living in a tent,
her only hope is for him,
to have a brand new life.
Sweet baby boy, eight weeks old,
embraced by strangers in the dark,
in seconds he captured their heart.
She will never know her son,
what kind of man he'll be.
The dreams he will carry within.
His pain of a broken heart,
the ache his soul will feel.
His resolve will make him stronger,
his strength will lead the way,
to dreams and hopes, second chances.

Dear Gretchen Rubin

Over a year ago I purchased the book, The Happiness Project. I was attempting to find tools to help me with the loss I was feeling after both my parents passed away. I don't know why I thought that this would be an aid to me. The review I had read was positive and I knew the book was not about loss but in finding everyday happiness. I don't think that I thought it had a special remedy or magic but I was ready to try an overhaul that would last and work in my everyday life. I was consumed by the book as it broke down the happiness project into a span of a year. I tweaked the advice and implemented some of it into my life. Through the book I found the Happiness project blog. I was fascinated with Gretchen's blog. I had seen the movie Julie and Julia and loved the world that opened up to Julie in the movie. Now, I was reading Gretchen's blog when I came across an interview she had with Aidan, ivyleagueinsecurities.com . During the interview I loved the way Aidan spoke about her girls and the loss of her father. I clicked over to her blog and I was hooked, her writing was charming and authentic. That day her book Life After Yes was coming out and I went to the bookstore and bought a copy. As I kept on reading Aidan's blog I found comments of other bloggers and began reading their blogs as well. Belinda,thehalfwaypoint.net  was one of the blogs that inspired me. When I started my own blog I felt happiness. My life is full and busy and I was longing to write again. It has been a long time and my passion for writing had been put to sleep. There were always other things to do and to take care of. Now I found a community of people. Others sharing their life and struggles. It was wonderful. I had my insecurities about my blog and I still do,but the way I see it is this, as long as I am having fun and enjoying the conversation I will do it. I support others in this blogosphere. I have made comments and I am happy when comments are left on my blog. I have bought books and given books as gifts of authors that I read their blogs. I continue to have fun and to be inspired here everyday. I was a fierce protector of my privacy and now I find myself vulnerable in this space. I find myself opening up. I hope somehow that what I write and what I share will help someone else or inspire them. In conclusion ,yes, Ms. Gretchen Rubin in an unexpected way brought more happiness to my life.

Hope

"Hope is the dream of a soul awake" -French Proverb

Last night Daniel and I returned from his Kung Fu class. When I checked the mailbox, I was surprised when Daniel asked, "is there a letter from Cameron?". Cameron and Daniel were two peas in a pod. They had a secret language that only great friends share. When Cameron moved to New Orleans, both Cameron and Daniel were devastated. Cameron's mom assured them both that they will see each other again and that they can write to one another. Daniel waited for a letter that never arrived. I was able to call Cameron's grandmother and receive the address. Daniel wrote a letter immediately. Then every day he would ask me if there was a letter from Cameron. Finally three weeks later, I  surrendered and decided to call Cameron's grandmother to check if the letter arrived. She said the letter had arrived but Cameron is having a problem with his writing so he will be sending some drawings back. The drawings never arrived. Daniel waited and finally he stopped asking for the mail. It's been a year and last night unexpectedly he asked. He caught me off guard and I asked, "you still have hope" and then Daniel answered, "damaged hope". I smiled thinking, hope nonetheless. Hope is hope.    

Saba, Doritos And Loss

Once a year we have a date with football. We have a tradition to watch the Super Bowl. We enjoy finger food and we are swept into a great American past time with millions of others. Yesterday was fun as I challenged the boys in my life and I picked the opposing team, the Green Bay Packers. In the midst of a carefree Sunday there was a Doritos commercial that Daniel and I took notice to. It was funny and sad for us at the same time. A young man was eating Doritos at his friend's house and crumbs went all over the floor. He began to clean with a fury and accidentally he dropped the urn that his friend had on the mantle of his grandfather's ashes . The look of panic is all over his face, and when the door opens and his friend walks in, the grandfather is alive again. Daniel's reaction was " I miss Saba". Saba is grandpa in Hebrew. "Me too" my voice trailed with sadness. "I wish we had Saba's ashes and a bag of Doritos." Daniel said. We laughed at that point because he knows that a bag of Doritos won't bring Saba back. We laughed about it this morning again. I felt happy that he still remembers Saba. I felt relieved that I didn't fall apart and cry. I felt like the commercial, helped us laugh about our loss for the first time.

Sum It Up-Right Now

February quietly sneaks in barely noticed,
like a house guest  arriving unannounced.
The days are rushed , they fly.
Phone calls, emails, appointments to keep.
February arrives with a quiet promise,
flirtation, whispers, and sweet romantic gestures.
Argentinian night, a beautiful meal awaits ,
with love and attention to detail.
We laugh over the music playing.
Daniel wearing his pajamas says goodnight,
I tuck him and rabbit in.
I embrace him and linger there,
moments that I will cherish forever.
When did Josh turn twenty five ?
when did sweet Daniel turn ten ?
Time is swift, time doesn't wait.
I follow my passion then, now.
I wear the scars of yesterday,
still a dreamer in my heart.
I triumphed along my life's journey.
I grow, I learn, I ask.
In my heart gratitude my companion.

A Smile

"Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been"-Mark Twain

A smile,
is a small gesture.
A smile is a welcome,
into our world.
I smiled and she opened up,
like a flower.
She told me of her pain,
she told me of the child that she lost fifty years ago.
She was burned in an accident,
and they could not save her.
She said, "I don't know why I am talking about it,
but I have thought about it every day since then."
She felt the sadness in my eyes,
I held out my hand and touched hers.
" I am sorry", I said.
Our eyes connected ,
my heart cried along hers.
Her wrinkles knowing,
she lived a life,
she had other children,
but she never forgot.
She smiled, lifted by sharing ,
lifted that she could remember.
Extending a smile,
extending kindness,
it is I that is richer for it.