Sun Kissed Days

Sun Kissed Days

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Your beating Heart


The black bird carried a twig
to the nest,
the shimmering light reflected
over the lake.
Spring entered our home
and our subconscious,
yet I have not stopped 
to welcome the sounds of the 
earth awakening
dreamily stretching
like a ballerina executing 
a pirouette. 
I've been nourishing
and nurturing
those that I love.
I have been sadder 
than they can understand
and stronger than I can comprehend
I have been living in the past
more than in the moment,
feeling the helplessness
of how time floats through
my hands and my days.
Moments that we can't get more of,
days once wasted lost and gone.
I've been stretching my limbs,
my mind diluted.
the wind whispers in my ear,
"You are strong"
it says.
I scream,
"Have you not seen my tears,
heard my defeat,
felt the weakness of my wounds".
I run through the torrents of rain
listening to the uplifting guidance,
longing to hear
the sound of your beating heart..   

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

A piece of ourselves

 

The sun honey colored
 and brazen
gleamed through the door as he entered
clutching bouquets of flowers.
Daisies, Lillis,Ginger
wild and beautiful.
I reached out for one,
the thorns of the rose
pierced my skin,
reminding me that life
was not always this way,
soft and loud with beauty.
The flower guy
was away in a mountain cabin
 writing his first novel.
I smile 
understanding the struggle of
bleeding unto the page,
pouring our fears,
unveiling our truth,
weaving our words.
How softly we click on
the keys of our devices 
writing feverishly.
Our minds holding boulders,
in the trenches of our thoughts,
fearful to leave on the page
more of ourselves than 
we intended to.
I trim the flowers
on a slant,
place them in the 
green and white crystal vase.
I cut my words
into shattered pieces of myself,
I place them on the page,
exposed,
quickly I
erase and
start over. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Forgiveness


I forgave her for lying
and trying to steal my soul.
I forgave her for bringing storms
into my days,
uncertainty in my steps,
and darkness in my hours.
I forgave her,
the sister I never had,
the confidante of secrets.
I brought her in from the rain,
from a past,
embraced her brokenness
unaware of her bite.
She loved me,
betrayed me,
said it was her illness. 
She took my heart,
sliced it open
watched me bleed
as she stood motionless.
I saw her photograph
on the internet,
her eyes haunted,
a scar on her forehead,
a ghost of yesterday.
It was not her words attempting
to crawl back into the place
she ravaged.
It was not her pleading voice
on the answering machine.
I forgave her
to crawl out of the gutter
she placed us in.
I forgave her as I battled
drowning in the outgoing tide.
I forgave her 
to forgive myself.




This poem was inspired by my friend Aidan Donnelley Rowley's new book The Ramblers. One of the protagonist had a mother with bipolar disorder. There was someone close in my life that was bipolar and ended up hurting me while claiming her love. She was family and it was hard. Aidan's book is beautifully written. You can find it here http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/. It is so many things more than this, and it's about the questions of life and the struggles that we go through only to be end up better and wiser because of the journey. I recommend The Ramblers and I hope you pick up a copy today.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Retrieved


The sound familiar 
as it echoes through
the house.
The couch sighs
the way it did when 
she jumped off
to chase a squirrel 
in the yard
or follow me
when I walked away.
The memory recovered
the way she retrieved sticks
on autumn days.
Her wet nose,
red collar,
unbridled joy,
shaking the rain
as she swayed.
She faintly smelled like trees,
she wagged her tail
while words of poetry 
danced on the page.
Outside the window,
leaves are scattered,
the homeless cat can
no longer tell her tales
of the birds she hunts
and duck eggs left unattended
for moments at a time.
She daydreamed,
we daydreamed,
side by side. 

Friday, January 22, 2016

Happy Birthday Son



You took my breath away


Thirty years ago when I first saw you, you took my breath away. Your skin wrinkled, you sobbed with the look of distress sprinkled on your face . As soon as I held you, you ceased to cry. I had never felt love the way I did up until that moment. Every breath I have taken since has been filled with love and unwavering dedication for you.
Thirty years seems so hard to comprehend perhaps because I was twenty four when you were born. My infant son is now a man and what a beautiful human being you are. A man that makes the world a better place to be in. An Emergency Room doctor in one of the most prestigious hospitals in the United States. Altruism began early for you. As a small child and later as a teenager helping your grandparents at their business, going home with them and cleaning the kitchen and bathroom for them without them asking . Visiting your grandma at the hospital and taking her clothes saturated with urine to wash for her. At the same time volunteering at the hospital that you were born in. The first day there you witnessed a code blue and you experienced  the grief that a family had to go through when they lost their loved one. That was the day that you told me that you want to be a doctor and that you want to help people. Helping people is natural to you . The people that know you love you. They can’t help but feel your contagious enthusiasm and the light that shines from you. It was not easy for you. I raised you alone from the time you were nineteen months old until you were nine years old. You had a strong will and you were not defined by the mistakes your parents made. You embraced the truth without shame and you plowed through all the obstacles like the champion that you are. You faced the curve balls and taught me lessons in accepting life with grace. I tried to shield you from the storms but you in return showed me how to face them.
Joshua, I can tell you stories of our life and how certain moments are engraved in my soul. How my heart swelled with pride with so many things you have done and that you have accomplished. Your service, your integrity, your moral compass, luminous in the world. I remember the first time our eyes interlocked, you smiled when you saw how my eyes lit up. You must have heard my heartbeat loud next to your tiny body. I remember how having you was the greatest miracle in my life. A mother remembers , as I remember the tapestry of our life created by a million little and big moments. I remember you carrying your British soldiers into our first home. I remember how you would pull all your toys in front of the garage and share them with your friends as you wore a fireman’s hat with a siren. There were Christmas mornings, birthdays, bath times and reading time every night. There were trips to museums and bookstores and libraries. There were doctor visits, toothless smiles,viruses, ear infections long nights that I watched you while you were sleeping. There were conversations about life and following your heart and living your life with passion. I wanted you to have a life, a better life than mine. I wanted to help you create your happiness. Nearly one year ago, my better half (the man that helped me raise you with love in his heart) and I stood by your side as you married your soulmate. We felt immense happiness as both of you said your vows to one another. It was magical to feel the love,palpable in the room. Family and friends came from far and wide to celebrate with you. I hope you always feel the love that we felt that night from all the people that care for you both. Son, what is a son but a miracle. I wish you all the best on your birthday and every day. May your journey continue to be full of wonder and curiosity. May your heart remain full of compassion for humanity. May you love and be loved always. May you be joyous with all the simple things that life has to offer. I love you forever and always.
You have been my greatest lesson in life and I am honored and humbled to be your mom.

Mom



Thursday, January 7, 2016

Unwanted


I don't remember if the Palm fronds
swayed outside the window.
I don't remember
what day it was.
Her words spilled like
salt grains,
without reservation or anticipation
nor regret.
Her words froze
in mid air
and as they melted 
into my consciousness 
I looked into her eyes
to recognize a glimmer of regret.
It was simple
laid out
for me to examine and explore.
She was not going to keep me
she was not
going to give me life.
I was a pawn in life's chess game,
sour slices of memory seared
my being and
floated to the surface.
I remember the hollow feeling,
the feverish way
my skin tingled
as it broke into a rash.
She loved me,
as I digested
her words
I wondered
if she could ever understand
how she altered my world.
If I had not lived
 what would her
snow globes look like,
dark with slush
or shimmering with light.
She would not have known
 a daughter's 
love
nor gentle words in which she 
cradled life.
I held her hand when she took
her last breath,
she never understood
why her words pieced my soul.
She never understood how she altered
my world.