Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
thoughts rage, roar like a storm,
there's a need to stand still.
Their eyes warm me like summer,
brown eyed boys that love me,
a brown eyed man that dreams.
Aqua blue water engulfing Peanut Island,
a manatee comes to greet us.
White sand rolling in our toes.
Serenity wraps us like a blanket,
thoughts lie down to sleep silent,
the waves cradle us with love.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
built colorful Legos and read books.
The boy is now a man,
a man with purpose and hope.
He touched a beating heart today,
his voice knowing,his voice light.
Living with gratitude in the moment,
graced by daily miracles of life.
I feel humbled by his journey,
it warms my heart and soul.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
"My grief lies within,and these external manners of lament are merely shadows to the unseen grief that swells with silence in the tortured soul"- William Shakespeare.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
A week of grace and reflection.
Our flag is soaked with tears,
farewell bright eyed girl,beautiful angel.
Farewell mothers,fathers,neighbors,and friends.
A week of sadness and heroism.
The power of friendship and love,
greet a new day of struggle,
of a woman loved and admired.
In the battle for her life,
her eyes opened to friend's touch.
Her husband's joyous heart called out.
Love conquers over dark senseless violence.
Love will prevail and go on.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Last year my son Josh was looking for a new apartment and a roommate to live with. Over the summer break Josh was involved with several projects and he waited for the last minute to find a place. The leasing company found another medical student that needed a roommate and fortunately he was in the same class as Josh. At first I asked Josh how they got along. He said that they got along fine but they both kept to themselves. Secretly I was disappointed because Josh always built good friendships that he nurtured and maintained through time. I stopped asking about his roommate. Meanwhile as time marched on what may have started as small conversations as they passed each other through their days grew into a close and cherished friendship. Suraj and Josh studied for exams, they had a common ground and they thought alike. At White Coat ceremony which marks the end of basic science education and the beginning of clinical rotations the students were elated to receive their white coats. The sound of bagpipes filled the auditorium and the air in the room was one of swollen pride. Their voices reciting their class code of ethics. Right after the ceremony students were congratulating one another with warm handshakes and embraces. Josh looked through the crowd to find his friend. I listened to their laughter and I could feel the mutual respect they had for one another. As a mom I remembered as if it was yesterday the first day of preschool. I found happiness in the stories Josh told me of the friends he had made. Even now, he is a grown young man I am grateful for good friends in his life. Sometimes we find a kindred spirit without searching. Sometimes we find a great friendship at our doorstep."Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit" Aristotle
Friday, January 7, 2011
sweet surrender of laughing out loud.
A gift to hold and honor,
embracing soft conversations of the heart.
The voices echo in the universe,
be kind to a gentle soul,
be patient to one that struggles,
listen and lift a lonely heart.
As I continue on this journey,
living with a loud conscious awarness.
Today, every day of my life.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
lauramunson.wordpress.com writes suffering is a choice. Laura writes about her thoughts on suffering and how to reframe pain and how the answer may be in living in the moment. Her book "This is not the story you think it is:A season of unlikely happiness" is inspiring. She asks an important question"at what point do we acknowledge the pain and restructure our thinking around it?". I don't necessarily believe that I choose to suffer but when it comes to my heart I can be fragile with those I love. The last two years I have been consumed by grief of losing both my parents. I had a close and special relationship with them. I have had moments of insight when I realize that I have to step back from the edge of the water before I drown. Every time I think I have found a life preserver to hold on to and I can continue to live, a darkness settles in and invites me to join it. I find myself gasping for air and searching for the light out of the tunnel. On Thanksgiving 2009 I found myself surrounded by my husband's family and friends. My son was watching me, his eyes captured my pain . He whispered to me,"mom this is not the place". Later that night I cried in his room and my pain was raw. He was both comforting and he was harsh. He said all the right things to me. The next day I took his advice about letting go and I continued my life. My sorrow would try to come in and I would reject it. I would wish it away. A few weeks later I was in the same place I had been before Thanksgiving . My brother suggested that I might need help. I knew I could conquer this struggle on my own and at the end of it I would stand triumphant . This November was almost a year that I had the talk with Josh in my room. My husband watched me as I was spiraling back into this dark place. He said that I have to live my life. He asked me if I want our children to be paralyzed with grief when we are gone. " My answer was that I am still grieving and he said,"you were grieving when you sat Shiva for your parents,you have been grieving all along. It's time for you to live and be happy." The tears rolled down my face,and I knew that I have to let go. I was bringing shadows into our life. I was not present as I should be. The pain I felt was not honoring the legacy my parents left. I found new strength to listen to the truth. I made an effort and a choice to suffer less. Then this weekend I went back to my parents home. There was no familiar embraces or scents of cookies baking. It was lacking all the emotional feelings I would get when I entered the door. I thought about these walls how they held memories of love and laughter, sadness and loss. I took boxes my brother packed and art work that my parents collected. I was numb and drained. Yesterday I opened the boxes. Porcelain items were packed with clothes to cushion and protect them. As I unpacked I could not breathe. I was holding my dad's sweater,the sweater that he wore the last time I saw him alive. I felt like a knife scarred my heart once again. I wanted to cry into the sweater. I felt a longing. Out loud I voiced,"I miss you " into the universe. I held the sweater, I smelled it and then I put it away. I crawled out of my dark place and I chose to stand. I chose to let go of the pain and remember with a smile the love I will always treasure in my heart. I will go on and I will let go. I will be present in my life.