Today I struggled. I was drowning. I felt the darkness as tears rolled down my face. I've been trying to be strong for a while now. Yesterday my cousin's father in law passed away. She was describing to me how his kidneys shut down. How he had lived for twelve days without his kidneys functioning. I listened and I remembered.
My beautiful mom, how she swelled up. Her kidneys shut down and we tried dialysis. We tried because we wanted to do what dad would do if he was alive. Hope had faded . I didn't want her to suffer anymore. Her body ballooned. Her face lost the graceful lines. I sat with her in room number six. I sat listening to the steel door opening and closing. My mind wondered if in her subconscious the open and closed door sounded like a pleasant memory of a door at the movies or a door in a kitchen restaurant. We sat there, mother and daughter. I listened to every sound that she made. I watched every breath. Her discomfort lead to my silent desperation. I wiped her face and I held her hand. I told her that I love her. It was my turn to shield her and protect her. I felt helpless and yet strong. I knew that I had to be strong. It was my privilege to be the one to see her through this last journey. We had taken so many journeys before and now she would go on her own while I kiss her goodbye.