I forgave her for lying
and trying to steal my soul.
I forgave her for bringing storms
into my days,
uncertainty in my steps,
and darkness in my hours.
I forgave her,
the sister I never had,
the confidante of secrets.
I brought her in from the rain,
from a past,
embraced her brokenness
unaware of her bite.
She loved me,
said it was her illness.
She took my heart,
sliced it open
watched me bleed
as she stood motionless.
I saw her photograph
on the internet,
her eyes haunted,
a scar on her forehead,
a ghost of yesterday.
It was not her words attempting
to crawl back into the place
It was not her pleading voice
on the answering machine.
I forgave her
to crawl out of the gutter
she placed us in.
I forgave her as I battled
drowning in the outgoing tide.
I forgave her
to forgive myself.
This poem was inspired by my friend Aidan Donnelley Rowley's new book The Ramblers. One of the protagonist had a mother with bipolar disorder. There was someone close in my life that was bipolar and ended up hurting me while claiming her love. She was family and it was hard. Aidan's book is beautifully written. You can find it here http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/. It is so many things more than this, and it's about the questions of life and the struggles that we go through only to be end up better and wiser because of the journey. I recommend The Ramblers and I hope you pick up a copy today.
Such emotional writing, left me with a tear.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Diane.Delete
The last part was the crux for me:ReplyDelete
I forgave her
to forgive myself.
This is a good start to heal and begin again - to forgive others ~
Thank you so much !Delete
It's always inspiring to read your wrok, Ayala. This is no exception. xxReplyDelete
Thank you, Mary. XxDelete
Wisdom often comes with a price...HugsReplyDelete
Isn't that the truth! Thanks, Susie.Delete
The last two lines are indeed profound - it is far to easy to get trapped in bitterness and let it drag us downReplyDelete
Forgiveness liberates us.Delete
Forgiveness can help us, not always for the other person.ReplyDelete
Certainly one of the mysteries of life....and a source of sorrow. Just hard lessons, these events so hard to understand.ReplyDelete
I struggled to understand.... And then I had to let it go.Delete
The last line is brilliant, Ayala. Loved it. Thanks for this poignant reminder. xoReplyDelete
Thank you, Rudri. XoDelete
I can see this kind of people... and while they really can't help it, it hard to help being hurt also... but those last two lines really turned it special.ReplyDelete
Thank you so much!Delete
Bi-polar people can make people they interact with crazy. Sometimes it is best to just walk away if they continue to do hurtful things. Forgive when they are out of your space....ReplyDelete
I forgave her but she has no place in my life anymore.Delete
Such a heartfelt write..!ReplyDelete
Thank you kindly.Delete
This really hit home as I have a sister with bipolar and it is by no means easy. This line in particular spoke to me: "She loved me, / betrayed me, / said it was her illness." I will definitely check out The Ramblers. Sounds like a good book. Peace, LindaReplyDelete
The book is beautifully penned. Do check it out !Delete
Forgiveness is the key it is an illness and difficult for everyone involved.ReplyDelete
to anyone ever caught in my undertowsReplyDelete
I said I only hurt myself
having found forgiveness
always late to the party
I wonder aloud by writing
been bowsprit only
for so long, that
I seem always lost now
looking for the right words
of a language
of once ago
of those caught
in my wake
what a great piece
cathartic and reactive
for me, a slow assured
held eye unfurling honesty
compelling me to know
we begin to forgive ourselves
by forgiving others
Thank you! I am amazed at how many messages I received with people it resonated with.Delete
I've always heard that forgiving someone is really more about you letting go of the hurt and putting it behind you so it doesn't keep eating you up inside. No easy feat. But it sure doesn't mean that you keep these toxic people in your life. Good for you, Ayala!ReplyDelete
She will always be in my heart but not in my life. I forgive her but she hurt me and threatened to hurt my family.Delete
I LOVE this. This disease runs in my family, so I'm all too familiar with the way it works.ReplyDelete
This is my favorite line: "I brought her in from the rain,"
Thank you! I know it's a struggle and I am sorry.Delete
Being bi-polar, I try so hard to not make those love and strangers not feel crazy themselves. There are times and people it is hard to forgive. The lst two lines are stellarReplyDelete
It's great that you can do that. Thank you!Delete
I was hoping for this to be fiction, and felt sad for you when I read your explanatory note.ReplyDelete
Aww thank you!Delete
The last line packs a punch...so true. This is beautiful Ayala!ReplyDelete
Thank you Carrie.Delete
WOW. Just wow.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Nina.Delete
too sincere to be fiction - Beautiful words and reflection.ReplyDelete
Thank you! All true!Delete
That is a heart wrenching story telling you have in here - Ayala. Have a good weekend.ReplyDelete
Thank you! Best wishes.Delete