Sun Kissed Days

Sun Kissed Days

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

His Life


Eleven o'clock
rolls around.
I watched the digital clock
countless times,
as I folded laundry and made the bed.
He gets off the night shift depleted
and if he calls his voice is stuffed with fatigue.
He murmurs,
I can't understand
over the sounds of the city
coming through the phone.
Scattered words
about privacy laws,
and why he can't share information
about his patients.
I fish for details,
that never come.
Attempting to connect
the dots of his new life.
I walk on eggshells,
making small conversation,
when in reality I have so much to say.
I hold my breath,
because I no longer can fix his world.
I try to mend it but the world is cruel
in a way that even I can't understand
because he won't let me in.
He won't turn on the light,
guarding the wall,
sheltering his sick patients and
their lives.
My thoughts remain with him,
for my shift goes on,
all hours of every day and every night.


This is dedicated to my son. He moved to a new city and he is working crazy hours in the hospital. 
He sounds tired and he does not say much and  I worry about him and his girlfriend.
They are dedicated to what they do but it's so hard to watch from the sidelines
and not know the details of what they are going through. All we can do is
be there when they need us and give them love and encouragement .
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81 comments:

  1. Oh Ayala, I know this story so well. Many times I wanted my husband to tell me more during his residency and fellowship hours. But after working odd hours and dealing with life/death issues, not much energy was left to talk about anything else. Be patient. They will find a way to balance it all. xoxo

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    1. Rudri, thank you for your thoughts here.... I appreciate this. I will be patient and I know they will find their balance. Xoxo

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  2. keep giving them that encouragement...adjusting to a new city and a new routine can definitely be tiring...and the best you can do it support them through this...def know how they can rest on your mind in that situ...

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    1. I have to stop worrying and just be there whenever they need me. Thank you.

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  3. Would surely never want to work such hours, kudos to him and can see why it is so tiring. Hopefully some balance does come.

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  4. There is so much for them both to have to adjust to. New job, new cit, new home and them also sharing a place and their lives too. I expect when he's done his weeks work he is on his knees with exhaustion too. I applaud his stance on keeping his patients confidentiality but, it must be so hard for you to be on the outside of it all, looking in and not being able to do more. As your other comments say, give it time. It will all sort itself out. A mom never stops being a mom, does she.

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    1. Thank you, Bren. A mother is always a mother :) it's hard to look in but it's a good reminder for me... that he is a man now and this is his life .

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  5. and I'm sure he feels the depth of your warm support Ayala, it is so hard but how proud you must be of such dedication in his obvious deep caring - although I know how much of a worry it must be - hugs and love Ayala - Lib

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    1. Thank you, Lib. I am so proud. Xoxo

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  6. Though I have not experienced this, your poem has brought me pretty close. Very heartful!

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    1. Thank you, Shawn. I appreciate it.

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  7. Oh, so tough being a mother...you never stop worrying about them. But for sure he knows you're there and appreciates your support..Give him time. A heartfelt, lovely write xo

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  8. I'm sure that knowing you're there for him makes a huge difference in his life, a lovely write.

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  9. I really feel the heaviness of your heart in this poem--it is so hard, we want to shelter them from the pain, however, it's part of the process. I'm sure just talking with you is a lift in his day--love always is :-) A beautiful poem

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    1. Thank you, Sara. We do want to shelter them but I know they need to learn on their own.

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  10. Yes, it is hard to watch life played out before you, when you can't put yourself in the game. I know first hand.
    Nice write!

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  11. The distance, the growing, the goals achieved. You've shared much of your sunkissed life with us, and I'm confident the boy you raised is wise enough to know when to trust in Mom. Soon the shadows of worry will clear...and will no longer darken the proud glean in your eye. Light and love to you and yours!

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    1. Thank you, Nathasa . It's hard for me to look in when I am always such a big part of his life. This is a time of many adjustments and I have to be patient . Light and love to you as well !

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  12. I think the best we can do is to listen and tell them we are there if they need us. We can't shield our children against the harshness of life but we can show them our love ~

    Lovely share ~

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  13. Right away I guessed this was about your son. It seems the life of an intern hasn't changed much over the past 50 years since I entered the world of nursing. It just seems so crazy. How special, though, that he still calls his mom to "make things better." Loved it, Ayala.

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  14. It is so difficult! Beautifully voiced love...its good to know you are there when needed xoxo

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  15. I know that feeling of wanting to fix everything! Great write.

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  16. Your son knows your love...but he must go through his own metamorphasis alone.. at the moment...He will come to you eventually, when he finds himself and his adjustment. How lucky he is to have your love. He knows that too. A heartfelt write!

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    1. Thank you, Jackie. Yes... he knows it. :)

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  17. Oh, this is the hardest thing about being a parent. We can't fix it for them, we can only allow them to live for themselves, and just as you say, be there for them when they need us.

    I felt your anguish in this one, I know that feeling. Great write.

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    1. Thank you, Kelly. I realize now how my parents worried for all of us no matter how old we were.

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  18. Wonderful poem-it doesn't need the explanation!

    "I hold my breath,
    because I no longer can fix his world.
    I try to mend it but the world is cruel
    in a way that even I can't understand
    because he won't let me in."

    Children and students move on and take on the hard work of the world often forgetting the 24-hour shifts of those who helped them arrive. You have done your job well.

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    1. Thank you, Susan. I don't feel like he has forgotten me or left me behind. It's just that he is so tired and he is adjusting to his new life and he has no energy or time to share it. I assume he probably doesn't want to complain either.

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  19. Oh, it is so hard to not be able to help because he is such a good doctor that he protects his patients. Wonderful and rich with emotion.

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  20. What a perfectly detailed and artful telling of your internal state. The ending grabs us with that emotional hook. This is a favorite. Very fine poem.

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  21. Beautifully written, and so heart felt. I think many of us parents can relate to the impotency we feel as we watch and wait for our children to give us something to hang onto. The circumstances may be different, but I've lived those words through each of my kids.

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  22. Can feel the emotions expressed so well in this poem. All the best to your son, and hope that he knows you are always there for him.

    Thanks for sharing this poem.

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    1. Thank you kindly. I appreciate your comment.

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  23. A mother's concern never leaves and I think it gets harder the further away they step... but you're right, all you can do is be there and offer support and love. Remember this too shall pass.

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    1. Thank you, Laurie. Wise words :)

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  24. i think working in a hospital is tough..you see so many things that are not easy to digest.. hopefully things relax a bit soon and good for him to know that you think about him..may helps him carry the burden a bit easier as well even though he can't tell you too much

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    1. So true... Working in a hospital is so taxing on your mind and soul. I gave have to wait and practice patience.

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  25. This tugged at my heartstrings--felt tears welling up! Maybe it's because my oldest baby is soon to be heading off on his own...but whatever the reason you have penned a great "mother's heart" poem. Loved it!

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    1. Aww thank you. I hope when your oldest heads off you will do well . Hugs.

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  26. A cri de mère. They do come through it, the stronger for the trials of strength and will. I'm sorry it's in a strange city, for your sake as much as theirs.

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  27. At one point in my early life, my blind father disowned me. In his error-written type, as he 'ordered' me to change my last name--he also wrote:
    ...Byt a Mother's loove never wanes

    When you wrote
    "...all hours of every day and every night.." you brought me back to that moment. How TRUE!!
    PEACE! (ans LOVE to mothers everywhere!)

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    1. So sad about your father. Steve, you have had such a hard journey. I wish you the best. Peace and Love.
      Hugs.

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    2. Thank you for sharing your heart, Steve.

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  28. I can no longer fix his world, that has to be hard, so hard Ayala.

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    1. Lauren, it's hard because that's the mom in us wanting to fix their world.

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  29. Ayala, a strong write about your son. It is hard to be far away from our children. My daughter lives in another country, I know the feeling.

    Pamela

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    1. Thank you, Pamela :) I wish your daughter well :)

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  30. Ayala, I am relating so well to this.....I am a "fixer" too... for sure! My wife and son both have Muscular Dystrophy and I am the primary caregiver here at the house. I am defintitely feeling the "I try to mend it, but the world is cruel" expression....Yes! the world can be that for certain! Wonderful emotion expressed here!

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    1. Thank you, Chris . Yes, you definitely know the feeling of wanting to fix their world. Hugs and best wishes.

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  31. It hurts when you know it. When they're far away we worry as we're not there to know. Period of adjustment again, ayala! We just got to take it. Nice write!

    Hank

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    1. Thank you, Hank. Adjustment indeed :)

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  32. Ayala this is one of my favorites of yours. I especially like the way you finished it.

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    1. Thank you.. It just spilled unto the paper :)

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  33. Wow- I can only imagine the stress and the pressures your son must be facing. You capture it so well...and Iyour worry can be felt- in fact- it has translated directly into the urgent nature of the lines you have written....completely engaging

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    1. Thank you, Stu. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it. :)

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  34. I have four children, and four different versions of your story. I hope there is some joy in knowing others share your concerns.

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    1. There is comfort in all the support... Thank you. Four stories... Not easy :)

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  35. i love the line "stuffed with fatigue"... not even sure why, but it is evocative for me...

    crazy hours are just sometimes how it is... he'll get through them, living off caffeine and adrenaline and the small successes... letting the disappointments and tragedies slip through his fingers as one day succeeds the next and balance reasserts itself. he is lucky to have such a staunch, un-judging supporter in you.

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    1. Thank you, Joanna . I appreciate your kind thoughts.

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  36. So well described from every angle. K.

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  37. beautiful poem - I know with me it was best not to talk about work stuff at home because then it became personal. Leaving it at work allowed me to keep the professional distance I needed to do my job effectively. I imagine as a mother it would be hard to witness, however. Your loving heart always shines through in your writing. I like that :)

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    1. Thank you, Sheila. I am trying to talk about other stuff but sometimes I just can't help it. :)

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  38. Wow, you sound proud of your son and yet worried about him. And so hard when there are things you know he can't tell you. His job sounds very intense. Hospital work is not easy. Your love must be a beacon in his life!

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    1. Thank you, Mary. These are intense and crazy times so I need to be more patient :)

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  39. Missed this one! It's gorgeous. Real soft yet - hard in a way - the emotion with nowhere to go - but so nicely written. The figure before the kitchen sink, or looking out the living room window late at night, a single lamp on in the corner...it's really beautiful.

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  40. This is tough because as a parent, I will always want to know what is going on with my child -- wherever he is. But I suspect that isn't always possible. Instead, we will need to give them as much support and encouragement that we can, even if they don't give us too many details. I know when I first moved away from my mom, I wasn't terribly communicative but I really valued knowing that she'll always be there for me if I was ever in a bind.

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    1. Your visit made my day :) I have missed you. It is tough but all I can do is wait and give my love. :)

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