Sun Kissed Days

Sun Kissed Days

Sunday, January 15, 2012

A Slow Death




The mask covers her face,
creasing her beauty,
unforgiving.
Oxygen hissing like a venomous snake,
or is it my brain in a bubble of doubt,
questioning life and death,
questioning everything.
Crackle sounds,
she is drowning
and I can't save her.
A life preserver nowhere in sight.
I feel it on my skin,
I feel it deep in my being.
There is no beauty to
how she hangs on to life
on a frayed string.
The sun enters but I hide in the shadow,
I don't want the sun to watch me cry.
She melts into the bed,
and I wonder if she is dreaming of her
life and love.
I want her to stand on the shore
and wave goodbye.
I don't want her to struggle
as she drowns.
I come undone,
with every sound,
with every moment.
I come undone
as I watch her die.

The picture prompt at http://www.magpietales.blogspot.com/ made me think of a different drowning. My mom passed away in August 2009 and I watched her drown due to congestive heart failure and complications that went with it. Sitting with her in hospice those days and watching her suffer was heartbreaking. I felt so helpless. I still shudder when I think of it and my heart will always ache for my mom.

46 comments:

  1. your note at the end makes this all the more emotional for me...watching my MIL die a few years back is much the same...and you feel so helpless...

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    1. Thank you, Brian. So sad about your MIL as well...helpless ..I still find myself barely breathing when I think of it.

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  2. I know this feeling, friend. You write so eloquently, so real.

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    1. Thank you, Hyacynth. I appreciate your sentiments.

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  3. I'm so sorry that you went through that, Ayala. Beautiful, emotional write.

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    1. Thank you, MZ. I am sorry that she had to suffer....

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  4. A moving write...You made me remember my mom who was drowning in her lungs last October. It was not a pretty sight but mercifully she survived. Now, when I see her in skype, no traces at all of that painful breathing. Every moment now is a blessing ~

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    1. Thank you, Grace. I am thankful that your mom recovered. Blessings to her and you.

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  5. Your take on the prompt is original and deeply felt. That you added an explanation to your poem makes it all the more moving. I know what the condition is like, as a relative has experienced it but managed to survive. I am sorry for your loss of your loved one.

    Many of Taylor's underwater sculptures have deeply emotional expressions, because he modeled them on real people in the local communities where he's cast them.

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    1. Thank you, Maureen. I appreciate your thoughts here.

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  6. Oh wow, so heavy. I'm very sorry for your loss. Still, this is beautifully expressed.

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    1. Thank you, Stephen. I appreciate it.

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  7. Dearest Ayala, I can't imagine the heartache and helplessness of witnessing your mom die like that. But I bet she is swimming with the angels every day, very happy. And waiting to be reunited with all who love her still and loved her before.

    To contemplate where we were before we burst onto this earthly plane boggles my mind as much as where we'll go when we pass through the next portal. But... my dear friend, all the signs I've ever seen, heard about or sense point in the direction of a happy place for us enjoy each other in. And love is sitting at the head of the feast's table.

    Love, Jannie
    xoxo

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    1. Jannie, my friend,
      thank you for your sweetness. I love the image of her swimming with the angels every day. I hope I will see her again someday, so I can tell her how her loss brought me down to my knees. Love, Ayala
      xoxo

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  8. Sorry to hear of your loss Ayala. You have written your mother a beautiful poem, which tells us all how your heart
    as cared for your Mom. Missing your Mom must be a terrible ache.

    {{Hugs}}

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  9. Thank you, Cynthia. The ache never goes away.

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  10. It breaks the heart to see a suffering and not able to do anything. It's doubly hard when a dear one suffers.You have been brave when it happened. More so when captured in a brilliant verse.

    Hank

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    1. Thank you, Hank. It's a total feeling of helplessness.

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  11. Haven't had to go through this much, just twice one time slow, so yeah the helplessness I know and one time fast.

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    1. Pat, that's what happened to me. My dad was a shock because it was unexpected and my mom was slow and agonizing. Sorry for your loss.

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  12. "I come undone" reading your poem, ayala. The feeling of helplessness so beautifully expressed. Not being able to help someone you love...there can't possibly be a worse pain.

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    1. My friend, you are right there is no worse pain.

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  13. I have been there watching and waiting for a parent to die, thank you for this honest write, very brave to share

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    1. Thank you, Christine. Sorry about your loss.

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  14. Oh that's so sad, but I know it meant the world to your mom having you there by your side.

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    1. Thank you, Laurie. I hope she knew that I was there..it meant the world to me. It was my privilege to be there for her at the end.

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  15. brought tears to my eyes ayala...my dad died of lung cancer..and couldn't breathe in the end...so this rang very familiar...hugs..

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    1. Thank you, Claudia. So sorry about your dad..so painful to watch helpless...hugs to you.

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  16. ayala, this made me cry. your words painted a vivid picture of your pain, and hers. i'm so sorry your mom had to suffer so... but how blessed she was to have a daughter who loved her enough to stay with her to the end. and now she is free...

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    1. Thank you, dear Leslie. She is now free and that should give me some peace...but it still hurts. I feel like it was my privilege to be there and help her as she left on her journey.

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  17. A sad, yet beautiful tribute to your mother...thank you...

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  18. This is so painful Ayala, but so beautifully expressed.

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  19. Heartfelt and painful. I can tell she was a wonderful woman.

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    1. Thank you, Helena. She was a great woman :)

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  20. Horrifying and visceral and beautifully expressed.

    Thanks you for sharing this.

    =)

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  21. I watched my father die with Parkinson's and Dementia. Ultimately, he had food in the lung and couldn't breathe. I know how you felt.
    This poem should be a great catharsis for you and anyone else who has been through similar situations. Thank you.

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    1. Thank you, Kat. So heartbreaking...I am sorry about your dad..so hard to sit and watch while feeling despair and helplessness.

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  22. Ayala this is so heartbreaking and beautifully written. My mother died of congestive heart failure as well.....so i understand all too well your pain. I am sorry for your great loss.....a mother is such a precious part of our lives.

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    1. I am sorry for your loss, Carrie. A mother is so precious....

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  23. So sorry for your loss. I know this pain. Sending strength your way Ayala. I know it is hard.

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    1. Thank you, Rudri. I know that we share this pain.

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