If I uncover my pain,
will you soothe my soul?
If I show you my scars,
will you touch them?
Will you join me
down the brick wall corridor,
colored with despair.
The smell of stale air
A grey haired woman
holding a doll while she weeps,
"it's mine" clutching for dear life,
repeatedly voicing her fear,
Her eyes glazed seeking redemption,
seeking what she has lost.
The elevator has a code
to enter and to leave.
The corridor like a highway of lost souls
and broken dreams.
A woman wearing ripped clothes ,
licking her fingers,
ice cream covered her face like a blanket.
My brain numb,
my heart pounding,
I didn't want to leave mom there.
I planned an escape,
if I could only lift her
on my shoulders,
to take her home
where she belonged.
They claimed that she will walk again,
in this rehab hell hole.
I wanted her to walk,
I wanted her to fly.
She blended in,
I was scared for her,
I was scared for me.
I could no longer breathe,
the cries I heard were mine,
as I was breaking inside
into a million pieces.
I didn't want to leave her,
I wanted her to fly,
away from there.
I walked away
a shadow of myself,
with shattered pieces of my soul.
http://dversepoets.com/Meet us here where we share our thoughts and our hearts.
I should have added a note with this. I wrote this about a time my mom was in a horrible rehab place and I was feeling despair at the situation. My mom passed away in August 2009, but the pain remains. I question decisions that we made and I always wonder if we could have done more. The other day as I reflected on the new year and life, this poem spilled out. The pain is still there. I wrote about her passing many times, so I took it for granted that most of you know. Sorry about that.
dang...felt...and have been there...so moving and hard to read as i have...very well written ayala...ReplyDelete
True, sometimes all one does is blend and the pain is always there.ReplyDelete
i can so feel you in this...my mom used to work in a home for aged people and sometimes as a child i went with her and found it very hard... moving write ayala..i wish you could've made her fly..ReplyDelete
Moving and heart tugging write...very well done ~ReplyDelete
I felt the hurt as I read this. Well done.ReplyDelete
Wow, so sad. Well-written poem; thanks for sharing.ReplyDelete
Very moving and so hard...been here & feel your pain ...well written indeed, Ayala..ReplyDelete
Been there, done that...it sucks.ReplyDelete
i'm so very sorry... i've been there, with my own mom, and it is very very hard...ReplyDelete
Ah, ayala--so painful to meet these horrible things in life and have no control, no way to do what you want so desperately to be able to do. A fine poem, and my best wishes for you both.ReplyDelete
I work part-time in a nursing home/rehab center as a receptionist and in medical records. It is an amazing place with activities and music and wonderful people dedicated to the residents they work with.A much different and nicer place than my grandfather was moved to when I was a young teen.It is a hard decision to have to bring your parent to such a place, knowing that helping is beyond your scope, yet knowing that you would rather have her home. Hope that all turns out well for your mom, and for you. Thank you for sharing this.ReplyDelete
<3 ... just... <3ReplyDelete
Ah, Ayala, I nursed in this environment...it is so painful for families to go through this with a loved one. I wish I could soothe your soul.ReplyDelete
An intense and emotional read... I do hope things get better.ReplyDelete
Aww... my mother passed away in 1989, she was also a best friend too and her passing happened so suddenly, just 2 days before here 56th birthday. I miss her every bit as much today as I did back then. There is always something we think we could do differently, some thing we wish we could change but, things happen the way they happen for a reason, I've learned that much. I'm guessing that you did what you thought was for the best for everyone at the time.ReplyDelete
Be comforted that she knows, she feels your feelings and she knows.
Heart-breaking piece but, it does help to 'write it all out' in many ways.
Thanks for commenting on my blog, I did reply to the tweet you sent..or, thought I did. :)
Oh, the helpless feeling. What an emotion packed write.ReplyDelete
No way I could read this without being touched--deeply.ReplyDelete
Many of us have found a way to put the past where it belongs...where it IS. (Maybe write a letter to her, write her response, and mail it to yourself?
If that might help--you ARE a good writer. Do another poem--a 'personal' one.
Maybe you'll have to suffer in memory for a longer time. You are being prayed for tonight, Ayala.
wow. I shivered as I read the words 'I didn't want to leave mom there.' This is a deep piece. I feel it. Well done.ReplyDelete
Hard to read. Sometimes I feel like I lost my mom years ago (alcohol) and most of the time I feel like I never had her at all. The sad thing is that I've lost the desire to want her to fly...I'm so sorry for the fear and pain you are walking in.ReplyDelete
Terribly sad and vivid piece. Such a difficult situation. But you certainly describe it movingly. K.ReplyDelete
Unremitting pain in your words...and of course, I've been there. Still think about my mom in one of those places. Very moving piece.ReplyDelete
Oh Ayala, you can feel the pain. I remember those rehab places. I first remember, as a child, visiting my grandmother at one after a stroke (still so haunting that my grandmother lived there). And my dad (who also passed in 2009) went to one after he was in a coma. I hated those placed and that smell and the gross old furniture and sad stores all around. The pain can come back so easily, right?ReplyDelete
It's an awful feeling, especially the powerlessness one feels. This was filled with perceptive insights. I wish the best for both of you.ReplyDelete
evocative and tragic. i've experienced places like this, and the sights & smells you describe are all too real. brava for sharing beautifully with the world something still so exquisitely painful.ReplyDelete
A fabulous if painful write I am at present facing a similar situation tho my relative is still at home albeit housebound ..I believe the decisions made are always the best ones at the time but being human and having empathy we always believe we can do better even if circumstances make it impossible..thank you for expressing so beautifully how many people feel x x xReplyDelete
My thoughts are with you. I know how painful it is to grieve for a parent. The poem is so moving. The first four lines resonate with me deeply; they are my constant prayer.ReplyDelete
beautifully penned. nothing more precious than the bonds between mother and child. unending.ReplyDelete
thanks for exposing your pain here. you are beautiful becuz of it. the journey includes showing our scars and regrets, and you are all the more powerful and wonderful becuz of the human experience you have had in this cold world. peace and love. and happy new year:)ReplyDelete
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. This is so touching that years later I can feel how much she meant to you.ReplyDelete
Happy 2012 my friend. So glad to have "met" you.
I'm so sorry Ayala... pain remains for a long time...I can only imagine that you did the very best you could in the situation and that your mother ultimately knew that and how much you loved her.ReplyDelete
this line is so hauntingly beautiful: The corridor like a highway of lost souls
and broken dreams.
Thank you, Brian. I know you have and I know it was hard.ReplyDelete
Pat, sometimes pain doesn't go away....ReplyDelete
Thank you, Claudia. I wish I could have :(ReplyDelete
Thank you, Grace. I appreciate it.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Mama Zen. The pain is still strong.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Stephen. I appreciate it.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Hyacynth.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Louise.ReplyDelete
Mary, I agree...it sucks.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Leslie.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Joy. I wish I had written the note before I received these comments....well the explanation helps.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Ginny.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Anonymous.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Victoria. It's so heartbreaking that I have no words.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Laurie.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Bren. It's hard because even though logically I believe everything I could...there is the emotional pain and guilt that haunts me.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Beth.ReplyDelete
Steve, it means a lot to me that I am in your prayers. I thank you for your kindness. Peace.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Bajanpoet. I think when I wrote that line my heart cried.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Adrienne. So sorry about your mom.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Karin.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Jackie. It's a painful thing to go through...and I'm not sure if the pain ever goes away.ReplyDelete
Lauren, the pain does come back so easily. The heartbreak of it never leaves. If I close my eyes I can remember it all...the smell..the conversations..the sadness..the despair of it all.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Steve.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Joanna. I appreciate your thoughts here.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Kez. So sad that you are going through this. I wish you and your relative the best.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Finally. People say that the pain goes away...I don't believe that it does. It changes but it never goes away.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Christi.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Ed. Your words touch me and I appreciate your kindness. I hope this year is a great one for you.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Ameena. I am so glad to have met you here in this space where we share so much of ourselves. Happy new year to you and your beautiful family.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Laura. It seems that we think we do our best...and then there are doubts...could we have done something different. Sometimes I question it even though I think we did all we could at the time.ReplyDelete
ayala, I can't begin to imagine what you and your family went through. I can totally understand that you would feel there was more you could do. That's the sign of a truly caring soul - always wanting to do more and wondering if they did all they could at the time.ReplyDelete
That sort of pain never leaves, does it? It changes shape all the time...
so sorry about your pain...and your mom. some choices are not easy and we'll question them forever...but we do the best we can, right? for love? :)ReplyDelete
oh I am sorry. you have portrayed it so authentic that it's almost difficult to read through. we are here to feel and share your pain ...ReplyDelete
Wow, this must have tremendously difficult for you. Your pain and observations are woven throughout, severing and betraying so much of what you once thought of an 'normal.' Sending hugs and prayers you way, Elizabeth.ReplyDelete
Talon, the pain never leaves. Thank you for your words of comfort and your support. xx.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Caty. We do the best we can, yes...so true!ReplyDelete
Thank you, Baishali. It was hard to write, yet it poured out and it felt like time has stood still.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Elizabeth. I appreciate it.ReplyDelete
sounds very painful - a pain I can't imagine. but what I do with my own pain is to keep writing about it until I don't feel like I need to anymore. glad you are writing it out too.ReplyDelete
The pain in this piece was palpable. Thanks for sharing. It takes courage to confront what ails us. Sending you strength.ReplyDelete
This is my FAVORITE poem of yours EVER. So beautiful and poignant, Ayala. Happy New Year!ReplyDelete
So lovely ayala...and so real. One of my favorite things about you is your courage at being open...vulnerable..authentic. These words touch at a deep heart level For any of us who are blessed enough to still have our parents with us...we know there is another side to that blessing. The difficult side of not being able to stop the clock... of not being able to kiss it and make it all better as they did for us.ReplyDelete
So glad I'm back visiting and I was able to read this gem. Beautiful!! Happy New Year~
written so clear that I, the reader, could smell and feel everything in thisReplyDelete
Sheila...writing does make things better. I am happy that it helps you and I have to say that it's been therapeutic to me.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Rudri. Sometimes the situation has no clear answers or solution so we do the best we can...but sometimes reality is a harsh one to accept.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Caroline. Happy New Year to you and yours!ReplyDelete
Thank you, Kristi. I appreciate your words and the kindness that you extend to me. It's a hard and heartbreaking situation and I pray you never have to see the other side....I wish you and yours a happy and healthy new year!ReplyDelete
Thank you, Christine.ReplyDelete
Wonderful writing....so healing for you to get out. All things happen for a reason, you can't beat yourself up now. Blessings!ReplyDelete
I hope sharing your pain with us helps a little.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Tessa. I appreciate it.ReplyDelete
Thank you, KB. Sharing it does help.ReplyDelete
good ink AyalaReplyDelete
What a difficult situation you faced, Ayala. I hope that the act of writing about it - and in such a powerful, beautiful way - brings you peace. xoReplyDelete
Thank you, Luke.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Kristen. xoReplyDelete
Dearest Ayala. You did the best you could with what you knew --and with the utmost love in your heart. And I KNOW there is SO much love in your heart, for it spills out in everything you write.ReplyDelete
Your mom is a beautiful angel now. So worry not, my dear friend. Worry not. And release any remaining pain. Maybe write it on paper and burn it in the back yard.
Your words comfort me. I always question if there was something else I could have done...even thought I know there wasn't. I hope my mom is smiling and watching me from heaven.