Sun Kissed Days

Sun Kissed Days

Sunday, July 14, 2019

Blame



The blow was thunderous,
landing on the right side 
of my head ferociously.
His fist heavy,
his aim direct,
my head swaying
like a seesaw on
a stormy day. 
A tremor,
a quake,
spreading,
shifting the balance of life.
The right hemisphere
in a fog,
in oblivion of
words drifting,
poetry fading,
fading,
lost.
Baby weeping,
walls shaking,
tears falling,
television sounds in the distance.
Did I blame myself,
for raising my voice?
When he assaulted boundaries drawn?
My eyes raging,
my eyes bulging, 
wounded.
Baby weeping,
walls shaking,
tears falling,
television sounds in the distance.
Did I blame myself for his anger?
His abandonment?
His isolation?
I fell from the clouds 
into unfamiliar darkness.
Baby weeping,
walls shaking,
tears falling,
television sounds in the distance.
Did I blame myself?
I did.

34 comments:

  1. Wow, dynamic writing here. And, of course, one should never blame oneself for another's anger. I like the way you got the reader into the scene - the sights, the sounds, the feelings. Powerful & realistic writing!!

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  2. Yeeow! I hope and believe this isn't autobiographical – but it is intensely real.

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  3. This is well written and the reader can feel the drama, it scares me a bit this storm of anger and blame.

    Falling from the clouds is always difficult when one doesn't know where the landing spot might be.

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    1. One of those hard times ...hard things in life.

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  4. This is so real. I have lived it, as a child and as an adult. The narrator expresses how battered women often feel so well the reader is right there with her and her weeping child.

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    1. It happened and it was hard to write about it. It took many many years to be able to.

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  5. wow, this is one strong write, all power and emotion. the use of "television sounds in the distance" makes it all the more disturbing.
    i hope this is not autobiographical (and i think it is not) but the narrator shouldn't shoulder all the blame.

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    1. It is autobiographical.It took me over twenty five years to write about it so vividly.

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  6. I don't think I've ever read a poem from the point of view of a domestic violence victims. You captured the irrational guilt and the experience so well. Made me sad to think there are women in this situation.

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    1. It is sad..and I was ashamed to talk about it for a long time. It was hard.

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  7. Dreadful situation.Most of the women have nowhere to go so they have to tolerate it rather than being homeless living in their cars.

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  8. Victims blame themselves often because it gives them some sense of control in an out-of-control situation - if I can believe I caused it, maybe I can prevent it from happening again. Of course, though, they are never to blame. But I also don't want to miss the fact that the narrator here is speaking in the past tense, so even though she is dealing with the weight of the question of blame, implied also is her tremendous courage and self-love that it took to put this situation in the rear view mirror. Incredibly well written. Very vivid and real to read.

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    1. It is in the past and I have never written about it in such vivid detail. I have written about starting over and walking away...even my book is called second chances because life is all about second chances.

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  9. Sure never the one to blame but always take the blame. Getting out and making sure it never happens again is hard, but sure the way.

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  10. The repetition works so well here to convey the racing and circular thoughts that can happen right after a trauma. The shape of the piece also makes me think of bombs, each with a bigger payload than the last. I am so sorry this happened to you and glad that it is in your past.

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    1. Thank you, Rommy. I am glad it's in the past as well.

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  11. Intensely written, sad and believable.

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  12. Oh, this is heart-rending and the story of all too many people. I think as women we are so sensitive to assuming the guilt for anything that goes awry. I had a wonderful friend, the wife of a conservative Rabbi. We used to argue who did guilt best: Catholics or Jews. :0)

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  13. I'm so glad you have placed distance between you and that place, Ayala. Your writing is visceral and your story is important for others going through anything similar.

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  14. The repetition works so well in this piece - very powerful

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  15. This one hurts. And I agree with Jae Rose, the repetition is very effective at communicating the sense of chaos, of routine gone terribly wrong, of how common abuse can become.

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