Sun Kissed Days

Sun Kissed Days

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Unwanted


I don't remember if the Palm fronds
swayed outside the window.
I don't remember
what day it was.
Her words spilled like
salt grains,
without reservation or anticipation
nor regret.
Her words froze
in mid air
and as they melted 
into my consciousness 
I looked into her eyes
to recognize a glimmer of regret.
It was simple
laid out
for me to examine and explore.
She was not going to keep me
she was not
going to give me life.
I was a pawn in life's chess game,
sour slices of memory seared
my being and
floated to the surface.
I remember the hollow feeling,
the feverish way
my skin tingled
as it broke into a rash.
She loved me,
as I digested
her words
I wondered
if she could ever understand
how she altered my world.
If I had not lived
 what would her
snow globes look like,
dark with slush
or shimmering with light.
She would not have known
 a daughter's 
love
nor gentle words in which she 
cradled life.
I held her hand when she took
her last breath,
she never understood
why her words pieced my soul.
She never understood how she altered
my world.

37 comments:

  1. This is a very moving story ~ I am getting a character of a mother's journey until she took her last breath ~ I am sure she has her reasons and I hope she is at peace with her choices ~

    Happy New Year Ayala ~

    Grace

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  2. i suppose the
    best we do
    is give
    whether
    wanted or
    not.. at the
    end of life
    i will sleep
    tight knowing
    and feeling i gave
    more than took..
    i could not
    always say
    that..
    truly
    it is the
    gift to give..
    saddest of all
    for those who
    cannot give
    truly
    often
    because
    of physiology
    more than intent..
    for so many
    reasons..
    far too
    many for
    any novel
    or movie..:)

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  3. "Her words spilled like salt grains"...I knew this tale was not going to be pretty when I read those stinging words. Cold and heartbreaking, no child should be unwanted and be told those words. And yet, it appears the "child" was there for her at her end. A riveting story, Ayala.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you...it was a hard one to write.

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  4. Such a stark way to part... somehow can they ever be repaired those words last said... I really love how you describe how everything else, all the beauty of the palm fronds just becomes unimportant... this is a burden to bear.

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  5. Its been a while since I've been here... Bravely beautiful Ayala and, if it's any comfort, I'm sure on some level she did... With Best Wishes as ever from Scottie xxx

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  6. This really spoke to me.. such raw emotions here.. beautiful!

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  7. Emotive and painful, yet tight and controlled. Well done, especially liked the lines:
    I was a pawn in life's chess game,
    sour slices of memory seared
    my being

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  8. Sometimes the words said aren't always thought about at the time and can leave a lasting affect.

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    Replies
    1. Things are easily sad...then hard to take back.

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  9. This is a hard hitting scenario, & requires several readings to calm the first response; I lost my own mother when she was 39 (49 years ago), & she passed without sharing who my real father was, or how she felt about the abortion she had (in 1943) the year before I was born, when she was 17; we all have tragedies to haunt us.

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  10. I also wanted to say I liked the lines /if I had not lived/what would her snow globes look like/dark with slush/or shimmering with light/--this is the beating heart of the piece, almost an extended tanka in itself.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Glenn. I appreciate your thoughts.

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  11. A very movingly difficult poem ... bravo.

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  12. Writing, voicing is the beginning of resolving ... it lifts the load. Keep going.

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    Replies
    1. It does feel good to write about it....and then guilt settles in.

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  13. thanks for the birthday wishes ayala
    and a very happy new year to you as well!!

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  14. I love the pacing of this piece. It helps deliver your authentic and heart felt words.

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  15. This is quite vivid and the imagery is one that lingers with the reader. Well-done, Ayala. xo

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  16. Dang, Ayala, this one give me the chills. All those regrets held throughout a lifetime and yet, here you are. Thank God and thank her.

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  17. So much pain, felt and expressed. Thank you for sharing❤

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