The delicious smells escaped the restaurant,
I stood in the alley watching my son practicing
his Kung Fu forms,
while ducks roamed outside
searching for food in the grass.
A storm of emotions through my mind,
frozen I could not step through the double wood doors,
I couldn't breathe,
I couldn't walk into the past.
Dad loved the big round table,
the white tablecloth stiff with starch,
conversation would flow over
sweet and spicy bold flavors.
Dad would pour tea in the small
ceramic cup and delight in the moment.
He loved abundance of food,
something he learned
while being hungry during the war.
He lived a big life,
and he knew the meaning of it.
One day I conquered my fears,
I walked through those doors,
like dipping my feet in the cold ocean,
I walked in to pick up take out,
love in small boxes of white and red.
Familiar faces were absent ,
I sighed with relief.
I could not bare to tell the owner,
that I was alone,
that my parents are gone,
that I could never sit at the big round table
I took my boxes home,
closed my eyes,
and as I tasted the food,
I closed my eyes
and I remembered.
This week is a hard week for me. Father's Day comes right before my dad's birthday which is on June 23. My dad was a special man and we shared a special bond. I write about him , it helps the longing and it helps with the loss. The Chinese restaurant that my parents loved to go to is in the same plaza as my son's Kung Fu school is. It took me a long time to be able to walk through those doors even for takeout. Please meet us here, http://dversepoets.com/ where we share our thoughts and our hearts.
It's a beautiful write, Ayala. I find that writing helps with pain and loss, as well. You honor your parents and their love, with your words. They were a beautiful couple...ReplyDelete
Thank you, Leslie. It's amazing how they loved each other for sixty years.Delete
felt piece ayala...i am glad you workedup to getting take out there...and overcame the emotions welling up...it is hard, though i am sure there are good memories of there that you can rekindle when you do stop in...ReplyDelete
Thank you, Brian. I have to admit that I was able to do this once in four years...I call and order in this way I avoid the storms in my heart.Delete
This is lovely. I can feel the grief that is slowly healing.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Myrna.Delete
big hugs your way ayala...and glad you went inside and tasted a bit of what means so much to you..ReplyDelete
Thank you, Claudia. The grief is something I am still working on.Delete
A very touching reminder and a fitting tribute, ayala! Memories have a way of making it a lot easier for those dear to our hearts!ReplyDelete
Thank you, Hank. That's all we have in the end...the memories.Delete
Nice you are now able to remember and go through the doors.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Pat.Delete
The scene, the smells, the fondness and love that shines through so clearly in your words...lady...I'm confessing to tears on this one!ReplyDelete
Thank you kindly, Natasha. I was holding my breath as I wrote it...sigh.Delete
Ayala, you brought out from my insides, feelings which I partially suppress. But they are there haunting me. My own relationship with MY father, then as father to MY children, was never so wonderful, beautiful as your memories.ReplyDelete
You see, I was drunk--A DRUNK--for most of all those years, and estranged myself to a distance SO far away from them, it seems always (I've been doing my work of restoration--with counsel) too far for even God to reconcile.
So, to tell you I shall: Your post meant so much more to me, than if my relationships had been different, like with meaning, caring, nurturing...LOVE!
Thank you. After reading your post, I shall not wallow in my guilt any more today. For me, yours is a 'healing' post.
Father's Day--I thought maybe I'd hear something (three children, all grown with families) from them. Nary even a 'thank you' for Christmas gifts, or acknowledgement that they were received. Calls, letters not returned. The guilt is gone for now--I am NOT a bad Peep!
Thank you, Ayala. Your 'doors' are still in front of me. staring at me, reflections in their glass.
You are so honest and such a good spirit. It makes me so sad that your children have not forgiven you. You made mistakes..but you learned from them. You were lost and now you are found. My dear friend, I am sorry. I am so honored that my poem brought you some peace. I wish you peace and love always.
I truly do understand how you feel about your dad. My mother unexpectedly died just 2 days before what would have been her 56th birthday.ReplyDelete
Your dad sounds like he was a really genuine, lovely man. You were so lucky to have had that relationship with him.
This is another lovely tribute to him.
Thank you, Bren. I know that you know this pain too well. I am sorry. We lose people that were so important in our life...and we carry them in our hearts always. Hugs.Delete
It takes a long time to grief and let those memories pass us. After more than 20 years, my hubby still grieves for his father who passed away unexpectedly.ReplyDelete
For myself, I am lucky that my Dad is still healthy. Funny but Father's Day is also around his birthday ~
Hugs to you ~
Grace, I am sorry about your husband's loss...I find people all the time tell me how they still suffer from their loss even though many years have passed by.Delete
yes I know Ayala it's a hard day to get through, like you as you know I lost my Dad too - can so relate to the restaurant - Dad used to like chinese food and I could not even bring myself to look at it and had to detour in order not to go past - can go past now but not yet go in - too painful - sharing hugs and love dear Ayala x x LibReplyDelete
Lib, I know that you know this..I still have a hard time, I have only been able to walk in there once. I just can't bare it. Sorry about your pain and sending hugs your way.Delete
Ah, ayala--our lives are filled with sorrows at times, even though we know so many blessings. But I'm glad you can walk through the doors of the restaurant and think of your parents and the joy you had.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Joy.Delete
Such a special piece Ayala - but you took us to the softest place in your heart with the return to a time of joy and the smells and tastes of your past. Beautiful.ReplyDelete
Thank you, gay.Delete
This is a beautiful write, Ayala. I could feel it; and I do understand why you couldn't go into that restaurant and sit and eat there again. Too many memories. There is one restaurant I can't go into either for a similar reason. It's Italian; and I suppose I could go in and take out a pizza...but never sit down. I bet your dad is looking down and is happy that he left you with such warm memories! Thanks for sharing them in poetry....ReplyDelete
Thank you, Mary. I feel you...so hard ..I am so sorry.Delete
Beautiful and full of precious memories and love. Very nice, Ayala!ReplyDelete
Thank you, Charles.Delete
Such a sweet (and bittersweet) memory of your family.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Kristina.Delete
I just felt the aching in this. Those of us who experience the pain of loss because we had fathers like this (mine, who "adopted" me) are truly blessed.ReplyDelete
We are blessed. :)Delete
Your post is very interesting, you may also be interested in my post: DReplyDelete
How To Be Interesting When Texting a Girl or About Microsoft Surface Tablet
Thank you, Neno.Delete
Your family is blessed to have such a devoted and gifted archivist. You are lucky to have a family that so feeds your inspiration. Well done--again.
Thank you, Steve. I appreciate your kindness.Delete
lovely and painful words in this, a very touching write. Send my love ~ RoseReplyDelete
Thank you, Rose. xoDelete
Lovely, Ayala...it's so good to write out our thoughts & feelings. Such love you express about your family...you have some wonderful memories to hold on too....and that same love in abundance to share. :)ReplyDelete
Thank you, Louise. How sweet of you to say....Delete
Such a poignant moment to even walk through those doors. Saying a prayer that you will be comforted by those precious memories and thankfulness will overcome and surround your heart.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Pat. I appreciate your lovely thoughts.Delete
Ayala, I can relate so well with these sentiments. My dad would have been 92 on June 18 and now gone for 7 years. I still have their house and when I am there I find myself bumping around from room to room and can still sense them and the smells and remember almost everything the way it was. It is lovely and painful at the same time.... Wonderful write.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Chris. I know exactly how you feel..so hard ..in a way I think that all the stuff that was theirs that I go through..it just makes it so hard to heal. Best wishes to you.Delete
Kung Fu Forms - love thatReplyDelete
Thank you, Ollie.Delete
It's hard to get into the places they were in with us, sharing those forver moments in our hearts and memories... Enjoy the absense as well, Ayala. It's so good for the soul.ReplyDelete
And I love the prose in your sweet loving words.
The memories will live forever. Hugs.Delete
PS It Seems these are the days to remember them even more deeply..ReplyDelete
These are the days....Delete
What a hard thing to do. You wrote this so well, I was right there with you. I felt bad for you. The death of a parent is a wound that never really heals. It may scab over, but the scar is always there. But I like how your son was innocently doing his Kung Fu forms, it just shows how life goes on.ReplyDelete
Thank you,CM. Easy for the little one even though certain things make him remember..I just hope he always remembers some of the memories.Delete
A moving tribute! Lovely way to honor your Father :)ReplyDelete
Thank you, Apryl.Delete
Among the chinese people, it is a key mark of family to sit together at a round table to eat. I appreciate the symbol and what it represents. I felt like crying once I got to those lines towards the end. Very much felt.ReplyDelete
Thank you kindly....this has been on my mind these days..I can't seem to let it go.Delete
Very special write, full, full, full with all things.ReplyDelete
Have you tried this without the centering format?
The poem calls for it, I feel, it's not frivolous, and centered inteferes with its call.
Really excellent, enjoyed.
Thank you, Kolembo. Glad you enjoyed it.Delete
this is so beautiful. You always write such lovely tributes to those you love.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Sheila :)Delete
very special write ... loved reading as always.ReplyDelete
Thank you, dear friend. I hope you are well. xo.Delete
I felt the gamut of emotions you conveyed here, Ayala. Powerful and beautiful.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Belinda. :)Delete
Beautiful, Ayala. Thank you for sharing it. I'm glad you were able to enter the restaurant at last. Such a difficult thing to do.ReplyDelete
I can truly appreciate how difficult it is, ayala. And this past May was my first Mother's Day without my Mom. I'm dreading July 26th - her birthday. It's all those special days that bring a sharp pain, but they also open a floodgate of fine memory, too. Hope the memories helped eased your hurt.ReplyDelete
So sorry. My mom's birthday is July 28th and those days are hard. Hugs to you.Delete
Oh Ayala. I have no words. Sending love to you.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Rudri. xoDelete