A Spiral

"My grief lies within,and these external manners of lament are merely shadows to the unseen grief that swells with silence in the tortured soul"- William Shakespeare.

I said that I would let go. I said that I choose not to suffer. Then why do I let the suffering enter the doorway to my soul? Why does the light disappear and darkness enters uninvited? It was just a simple action and I don't know if that is why I broke down and I wanted to hide from the world. My brown eyes flooded with tears . I was making dinner. I decided to make turkey legs with rice and sauteed mushroom. Mom used to make it and I couldn't remember how. That thought led me into the staircase that took me back into the past. Mom and dad, I miss them so. There is so much that I want to tell them. There is so much I remember. Dad would always compliment her efforts and she would smile. He was her world. My brain was hurting as my thoughts were spinning around. In and out the thoughts came and went. I had a dream with dad the other night, he was reminding me of things I had forgotten. I wanted him to stay. I always want him to stay. I awaken with a longing and gratitude. I don't know what to make of those dreams but I welcome them. A small action of cooking, something mom would make brought me into a spiral of emotions. I thought that I was better. I thought that I was growing up. I was not leaving them behind but I was learning and accepting. But I realize today that my journey continues and not every day will be a good day. Some days will be filled with sunshine and other days will be filled with storms. I realize that it's normal for my heart to ache even if it's not a special day or an anniversary. Little things sometimes are the things that we remember and that we connect with. My words spilling into the page as my heart bleeds,and I feel lighter for sharing the pain. I gain new strength to start a new day.