Play Time

"Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower."-Hans Christian Andersen

Taking time to play is sacred. Taking time to play has to become a priority. It helps us connect with ourselves. It helps us have room to breathe. It helps us dream. All of us are busy with our daily life, we rush through appointments. We are over scheduled, we are overworked. We postpone our dream, we postpone our down time. Today, take time to do something that you love. It could be a small thing like watching a sunset. It could be walking into a bookstore and losing yourself in the wonderful rows of books. My husband had an opportunity Saturday to go fishing with childhood friends. When he goes fishing he becomes a boy again. I love the enthusiasm that he comes back with. He smells like the ocean and his eyes shine. When he described his day he captured the silly laughter and the joy that they shared to be fishing again. I was happy for him. We all need an escape. We need to nourish our spirit. When we nourish the spirit we can face our daily challenges. Life is fragile.Life does not wait for us, so today do one thing that you love. Today nourish your soul.

Refresh Mind And Soul

Hours spin into days of conflict,
thoughts rage, roar like a storm,
there's a need to stand still.
Their eyes warm me like summer,
brown eyed boys that love me,
a brown eyed man that dreams.
Aqua blue water engulfing Peanut Island,
a manatee comes to greet us.
White sand rolling in our toes.
Serenity wraps us like a blanket,
thoughts lie down to sleep silent,
the waves cradle us with love.

Breathe

Today, I search for peace,
a quiet in my noisy world.
Today I embrace the gratitude
in my soul.
I stand still and breathe.

Happy Birthday Josh

Happy Birthday my sweet son. I can't believe you are 25 years old. You are a grown man but for me you will always be my baby boy. You are a wonderful son, grandson, brother, friend, and a humanitarian. The day you were born I fall in love with you. I held your hand and you captured my heart. I read to you, I played with you, mostly I gave you love. We shared a life with specks of happiness and pain. We shared conversations and adventure. You were sensitive to me and sensitive to the world. When you graduated high school as the salutatorian of your class you thanked your family, teachers, mentors, and the community. You thanked me for reading to you in the womb, and for always being there. You moved me and others in the auditorium to tears. It was in high school while you volunteered at the hospital that you found your passion-medicine. Last year when you spent spring break with colleagues helping the poor in the Dominican Republic, I could hear the excitement in your voice. You were making a difference in lives of others and you were loving it. I felt proud. You are loyal and giving. What a wonderful grandson you were to grandma and grandpa when they were alive. They didn't need to ask for help,you were more than happy to lend a hand. You cleaned, you washed laundry, you took care of them. Anyone that knows you can count on you. You have a big heart. Baba says that we are bookends and we are. You are my bookend. I wish you a life filled with wonder and adventure. I wish you happiness and gratitude. I love you always.

He Warms My heart

Brown eyed boy with treasured dreams,
built colorful Legos and read books.
The boy is now a man,
a man with purpose and hope.
He touched a beating heart today,
his voice knowing,his voice light.
Living with gratitude in the moment,
graced by daily miracles of life.
I feel humbled by his journey,
it warms my heart and soul.

A Spiral

"My grief lies within,and these external manners of lament are merely shadows to the unseen grief that swells with silence in the tortured soul"- William Shakespeare.

I said that I would let go. I said that I choose not to suffer. Then why do I let the suffering enter the doorway to my soul? Why does the light disappear and darkness enters uninvited? It was just a simple action and I don't know if that is why I broke down and I wanted to hide from the world. My brown eyes flooded with tears . I was making dinner. I decided to make turkey legs with rice and sauteed mushroom. Mom used to make it and I couldn't remember how. That thought led me into the staircase that took me back into the past. Mom and dad, I miss them so. There is so much that I want to tell them. There is so much I remember. Dad would always compliment her efforts and she would smile. He was her world. My brain was hurting as my thoughts were spinning around. In and out the thoughts came and went. I had a dream with dad the other night, he was reminding me of things I had forgotten. I wanted him to stay. I always want him to stay. I awaken with a longing and gratitude. I don't know what to make of those dreams but I welcome them. A small action of cooking, something mom would make brought me into a spiral of emotions. I thought that I was better. I thought that I was growing up. I was not leaving them behind but I was learning and accepting. But I realize today that my journey continues and not every day will be a good day. Some days will be filled with sunshine and other days will be filled with storms. I realize that it's normal for my heart to ache even if it's not a special day or an anniversary. Little things sometimes are the things that we remember and that we connect with. My words spilling into the page as my heart bleeds,and I feel lighter for sharing the pain. I gain new strength to start a new day.

A Dream

Daniel was in Kindergarten when I bought him a wonderful book called,"My Brother Martin". The book was written by Christine King Farris about her brother Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Her book is filled with details of his life as a child. The laughter they shared and the pain. The book captures it all . Martin was told by his white friends that they were no longer allowed to play with him because he was black. Daniel was moved . Daniel wrote about the dream that Martin had as a child. Daniel's teacher proudly took him to the principal's office to read his paper. He stood tall and proud and even though he was shy,his voice was steady. I was not present but Daniel's teacher shared all the details with me. I smiled with pride. Last night we read the book at bedtime. The book is not like the long chapter books that he reads now but the message is giant like the man that conceived the dream.  

Thinking About Tuscon

A week of grace and reflection.
Our flag is soaked with tears,
farewell bright eyed girl,beautiful angel.
Farewell mothers,fathers,neighbors,and friends.
A week of sadness and heroism.
The power of friendship and love,
greet a new day of struggle,
of a woman loved and admired.
In the battle for her life,
her eyes opened to friend's touch.
Her husband's joyous heart called out.
Love conquers over dark senseless violence.
Love will prevail and go on.

Haiti

A year ago one of my employees was frantic. An earthquake of 7.0 magnitude struck Haiti. It was the worst earthquake in 240 years. L.E. was calling and calling night and day with no response. Two of his children were in Haiti and he had no idea if they survived the quake. He did not sleep or eat until he heard that they were alive. Nine of his relatives perished including,his sister, his aunt, and seven cousins. The days that followed were a blur to him. We raised money to secure the safety of his children,and money to help his extended family. A year later Haiti remains devastated without enough progress made. Many long term projects are planned and some have been executed,yet the tarps are countless,the rubble remains and disease has spread. Services are planned to mark the one year anniversary. Songs and prayers will reflect in remembrance of lives lost.When L.E went to Haiti he said he could not bare to enter Port-au-Prince. His eyes are filled with heartbreak and disappointment. The people of Haiti are embracing the help they have received. They possess a spirit that soars. I wish them simple things that we take for granted every day. I wish them health,a roof over their heads,a quality of life.

Friendship

"Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit" Aristotle

Last year my son Josh was looking for a new apartment and a roommate to live with. Over the summer break Josh was involved with several projects and he waited for the last minute to find a place. The leasing company found another medical student that needed a roommate and fortunately he was in the same class as Josh. At first I asked Josh how they got along. He said that they got along fine but they both kept to themselves. Secretly I was disappointed because Josh always built good friendships that he nurtured and maintained through time. I stopped asking about his roommate. Meanwhile as time marched on what may have started as small conversations as they passed each other through their days grew into a close and cherished friendship. Suraj and Josh studied for exams, they had a common ground and they thought alike. At White Coat ceremony which marks the end of basic science education and the beginning of clinical rotations the students were elated to receive their white coats. The sound of bagpipes filled the auditorium and the air in the room was one of swollen pride. Their voices reciting their class code of ethics. Right after the ceremony students were congratulating one another with warm handshakes and embraces. Josh looked through the crowd to find his friend. I listened to their laughter and I could feel the mutual respect they had for one another. As a mom I remembered as if it was yesterday the first day of preschool. I found happiness in the stories Josh told me of the friends he had made. Even now, he is a grown young man I am grateful for good friends in his life.  Sometimes we find a  kindred spirit without searching. Sometimes we find a great friendship at our doorstep.   

 

Everyday Resolution

A new year whispers a promise,
sweet surrender of laughing out loud.
A gift to hold and honor,
embracing soft conversations of the heart.
The voices echo in the universe,
be kind to a gentle soul,
be patient to one that struggles,
listen and lift a lonely heart.
As I continue on this journey,
living with a loud conscious awarness.
Today, every day of my life.

The Shadows

I need to let go of pain and suffering. As  lauramunson.wordpress.com writes suffering is a choice. Laura writes about her thoughts on suffering and how to reframe pain and how the answer may be in living in the moment. Her book "This is not the story you think it is:A season of unlikely happiness" is inspiring. She asks an important question"at what point do we acknowledge the pain and restructure our thinking around it?". I don't necessarily believe that I choose to suffer but when it comes to my heart I can be fragile with those I love. The last two years I have been consumed by grief of losing both my parents. I had a close and special relationship with them. I have had moments of insight when I realize that I have to step back from the edge of the water before I drown. Every time I think I have found a life preserver to hold on to and I can continue to live, a darkness settles in and invites me to join it. I find myself gasping for air and searching for the light out of the tunnel. On Thanksgiving 2009 I found myself surrounded by my husband's family and friends. My son was watching me, his eyes captured my pain . He whispered to me,"mom this is not the place". Later that night I cried in his room and my pain was raw. He was both comforting and he was harsh. He said all the right things to me. The next day I took his advice about letting go and I continued my life. My sorrow would try to come in and I would reject it. I would wish it away. A few weeks later I was in the same place I had been before Thanksgiving . My brother suggested that I might need help. I knew I could conquer this struggle on my own and at the end of it I would stand triumphant . This November was almost a year that I had the talk with Josh in my room. My husband watched me as I was spiraling back into this dark place. He said that I have to live my life. He asked me if I want our children to be paralyzed with grief when we are gone. " My answer was that I am still grieving and he said,"you were grieving when you sat Shiva for your parents,you have been grieving all along. It's time for you to live and be happy." The tears rolled down my face,and I knew that I have to let go. I was bringing shadows into our life. I was not present as I should be. The pain I felt was not honoring the legacy my parents left. I found new strength to listen to the truth. I made an effort and a choice to suffer less. Then this weekend I went back to my parents home. There was no familiar embraces or scents of cookies baking. It was lacking all the emotional feelings I would get when I entered the door. I thought about these walls how they held memories of love and laughter, sadness and loss. I took boxes my brother packed and art work that my parents collected. I was numb and drained. Yesterday I opened the boxes. Porcelain items were packed with clothes to cushion and protect them. As I unpacked I could not breathe. I was holding my dad's sweater,the sweater that he wore the last time I saw him alive. I felt like a knife scarred my heart once again. I wanted to cry into the sweater. I felt a longing. Out loud I voiced,"I miss you " into the universe. I held the sweater, I smelled it and then I put it away. I crawled out of my dark place and I chose to stand. I chose to let go of the pain and remember with a smile the love I will always treasure in my heart. I will go on and I will let go. I will be present in my life. 

The Continued Journey

Daniel carried his science project to school this morning. Josh started his surgery rotation this morning. We are back on a routine. The holidays are over and a new year is here. The last few days we have been bombarded by the media in how to be thinner,richer and happier in 2011. This year in July, I will turn fifty years old. I still feel like I am twenty. I have made my fair share of mistakes . I am flawed and I am humbled by it. It made me who I am today. This year is the next 365 days of my journey. I hope to continue my growth. I hope to love and give more. I hope to dream more. As I continue down the trail of my life, I hope never to lose the wonder I feel in my heart.

A New Year

" Let your life lightly dance on the edges of time like dew on the tip of a leaf " -Tagore