Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Colorful Bricks




Mom,
in bed,
I watched how you melted into the
white sheets.
The room was bare except
for monitors instead of art that you loved.
When you opened your eyes,
my heart ached,
the twinkle was gone,
the lines of your face disappeared.
Swollen from your body,
shutting down.
I touched you,
containing my tears.
I opened the album,
attempting to show you pictures
of a journey we took
to Legoland in Billund.
Colorful bricks,
that for a moment brought you a childhood
you never had.
You watched happily your eight year old grandson
lose himself in creating art from imagination.
" mom remember",
I begged,
wanting you to fight to live,
wanting your smile to return.
You nodded your head,
and closed your eyes,
weak,
fragile,
tired.
I held the album,
colorful bricks,
won't bring you back to me.
My soul wept
because it knew that you surrendered.
My soul wept because it knew that I lost you.
at

62 comments:

  1. Rachel HoytJuly 19, 2011 at 10:52 AM

    So sad. I am thankful I haven't had to face that day yet. Beautiful poem.

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  2. Brian MillerJuly 19, 2011 at 10:57 AM

    ugh, you put me right there when we lost T's mom...letting her go on....thanks for lightening a bit with legos...the boys love them...

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  3. ScarletJuly 19, 2011 at 11:15 AM

    so sad and touching ~

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  4. AnonymousJuly 19, 2011 at 2:54 PM

    What a heartbreaking, moving tribute. Thank you for sharing it, Ayala.

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  5. ayalaJuly 19, 2011 at 3:42 PM

    Thank you, Rachel.

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  6. ayalaJuly 19, 2011 at 3:44 PM

    Brian, I am sorry about your MIL. It's devastating. The Legos are great...I smiled your boys love them. My son, Josh, loved them. We had huge structures of them :)

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  7. ayalaJuly 19, 2011 at 3:45 PM

    Thank you, Heaven.

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  8. ayalaJuly 19, 2011 at 3:47 PM

    Thank you, Kristen. I was scanning old pictures of the trip and I remembered these details when I took the album to the hospital and how I wished she would get better, but she didn't.

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  9. AnnaJuly 19, 2011 at 3:47 PM

    This is heartbreaking, yet beautiful and touching. I haven't been in this place yet, either, yet....

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  10. CloudiaJuly 19, 2011 at 4:14 PM

    well expressed...



    Aloha from Waikiki;


    Comfort Spiral

    ><}}(°>

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  11. Pat HattJuly 19, 2011 at 4:24 PM

    Wonderful tribute, touching write!

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  12. ayalaJuly 19, 2011 at 4:54 PM

    Thank you, Anna.

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  13. ayalaJuly 19, 2011 at 4:54 PM

    Thanks, Cloudia.

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  14. ayalaJuly 19, 2011 at 4:54 PM

    Thank you, Pat.

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  15. AnonymousJuly 19, 2011 at 5:04 PM

    My parents are still around, thank goodness, but I saw my grandparents in this...it touches and it breaks the heart, to read this one through. Potent, oh so potent, in these stirrings from both heart and memory.

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  16. ayalaJuly 19, 2011 at 5:24 PM

    Thank you, Chris. I was writing it and it all came back to me. I felt like I could not breathe.

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  17. LeslieJuly 19, 2011 at 5:59 PM

    you poured your grief into this... how hard it is to lose those we love. i look forward to a day when death is no more...

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  18. BelindaJuly 19, 2011 at 6:08 PM

    This is thick with grief. It's hard to love a loved one and harder still to let go once they're gone. Thanks for sharing, Ayala.

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  19. VictoriaJuly 19, 2011 at 6:52 PM

    Ayala, this brought tears to my eyes. So sensitive and full of understanding of the dying process.

    On a lighter note, I love to come to your blog and see your dog who reminds me of my Golden mix, my soul mate, who I lost a few years back. Always warms my heart.

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  20. AnonymousJuly 19, 2011 at 8:04 PM

    Oh, heartbreaking. How moving, heartfelt.

    so close to the bone....it resonates deeply.

    Thank you.

    Lady Nyo

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  21. hedgewitchJuly 19, 2011 at 8:11 PM

    Harder to be on the outside looking in, I think, than the person going through it who has finally surrendered. If only Legos could rebuild a life. A poem full of soul--thank you for sharing it.

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  22. Helena WhiteJuly 19, 2011 at 8:19 PM

    ♥ Truly a Heartfelt tribute. Writing is so cathartic. This one hits close to home for me...
    Its good to share.

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  23. AdrienneJuly 19, 2011 at 8:25 PM

    Such bravery - to expose this piece of your soul and share this very personal moment. So tender.

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  24. LisaJuly 19, 2011 at 8:45 PM

    it touched me so. i hope you are better today.

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  25. ayalaJuly 19, 2011 at 8:47 PM

    Leslie, it is so hard and I hope that day comes when death is no more. Thank you.

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  26. ayalaJuly 19, 2011 at 8:49 PM

    Thank you, Belinda. It is hard to let go and I don't think I can.

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  27. ayalaJuly 19, 2011 at 8:51 PM

    Thank you, Victoria. I appreciate it.
    I am sorry about your loss and I am happy that Daisy makes you smile.

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  28. ayalaJuly 19, 2011 at 8:51 PM

    Thank you, Lady Nyo.

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  29. ayalaJuly 19, 2011 at 8:54 PM

    Thank you, Hedgewitch. If legos could only rebuild a life or make things better ....I have nice memories of spending that vacation with my mom and my son.

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  30. ayalaJuly 19, 2011 at 8:55 PM

    Thank you, Helena. How sweet of you to say....

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  31. ayalaJuly 19, 2011 at 8:56 PM

    Thank you, Adrienne. I appreciate you saying that.

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  32. ayalaJuly 19, 2011 at 8:57 PM

    Thank you, Oceangirl. On most days I am better.

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  33. UnknownJuly 19, 2011 at 9:08 PM

    I have not been there, so I can only imagine through your words how difficult it must have been and still is. Peace and love to you :)

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  34. DaydreamertooJuly 19, 2011 at 9:11 PM

    I lost my mother 2 days before her 56th birthday, it was such a surprise. She collapsed from a brain anuerism *sp. She was my best friend and the last words I said to her were "I love you mum" She squeezed my hand in response.
    I lost my soul mate and life partner in 2005 but, you do come to realise, they haven't truly left us. We may no longer see them in front of us but, as our love for them hasn't died, their love for us hasn't died either and, we carry it always, in our hearts.
    Everything happens the way that it happens for a reason and, if her body was tired, she was pleased you allowed her the freedom to go.
    This is a lovely, heartfelt tribute. And yes, the lego was a touching addition to alleviate your obvious pain.

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  35. ayalaJuly 19, 2011 at 9:34 PM

    Thank you, Lori. What a sweet comment.

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  36. ayalaJuly 19, 2011 at 9:37 PM

    Dear Daydreamer,
    I am so sorry for your devastating losses.
    To lose your mom and your soul mate.
    You are right, we do carry their love always and they will always be with us.
    xo

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  37. The PoetJuly 19, 2011 at 10:07 PM

    This is such a heartfelt and touching write. Brings back memories of when I lost my dad.
    Even though our loved ones are gone, they continue to live in our hearts and it's those memories that bring us comfort when we're feeling sad.

    I'm so sorry for your loss, Ayala.
    May you have brighter days ahead.

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  38. AnonymousJuly 19, 2011 at 11:09 PM

    I'm so very sorry for your loss, Ayala. This is very touching--I can feel your pain, but your love too. May it bring you comfort.

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  39. Maude LynnJuly 19, 2011 at 11:14 PM

    This has so much love in it. It's beautiful.

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  40. CMJuly 20, 2011 at 7:34 AM

    Oh so sorry. How hard that must have been. I lost my mom at 14, but she died in a car accident. I'm sure it was hard to see your mom go. I know I will forever have an empty little spot in my heart for my mom.

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  41. AnonymousJuly 20, 2011 at 1:44 PM

    Well written cathartic poem. Condolences.

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  42. ClaudiaJuly 20, 2011 at 2:01 PM

    oh ayala - i could feel that ...hugs your way..

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  43. ayalaJuly 20, 2011 at 6:20 PM

    Thank you, Andy.
    She will always be in my heart,true,thanks.

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  44. ayalaJuly 20, 2011 at 6:21 PM

    Thank you, Gayle.

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  45. ayalaJuly 20, 2011 at 6:22 PM

    Thank you,MZ.

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  46. ayalaJuly 20, 2011 at 6:23 PM

    CM, how sad to lose your mom so young, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you,for your kind words.
    She is watching over you, I am sure.

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  47. ayalaJuly 20, 2011 at 6:24 PM

    Thanks, Claudia. I appreciate it.

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  48. ayalaJuly 20, 2011 at 6:25 PM

    Thank you, Matt.

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  49. StaciaJuly 21, 2011 at 7:44 AM

    Oh, Ayala, I'm so sorry. The memories get older, but the emotion never fades. Hugs.

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  50. joannaJuly 21, 2011 at 9:24 AM

    seeing the title, I wasn't expecting the poem that came after. this piece was very, very moving. Those first four lines,
    "Mom,
    in bed,
    I watched how you melted into the
    white sheets."

    --You had my heart there. Thanks for sharing this piece. I know it can't have been easy to write.

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  51. Rudri Bhatt Patel @ Being RudriJuly 21, 2011 at 1:06 PM

    This broke my heart. Literally I could feel your grief through the words. I am so sorry friend. Hugs and much xoxo to you. Thinking of you.

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  52. Jannie FunsterJuly 21, 2011 at 5:16 PM

    That is so heart-breakingly sad, and so beautifully woven from golden threads of love.

    Maybe one day I'll get to Lego Land. I was only about 10 miles from there in 2005. One day.

    xoxo

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  53. LaurenJuly 21, 2011 at 5:38 PM

    Heartbreaking is the right word and beautiful. I lost someone special yesterday. When I saw a recent photo I could see the life draining. There's no way to stop it when it's happening.

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  54. ayalaJuly 21, 2011 at 5:59 PM

    Thank you, Stacia. The grief never goes away....

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  55. ayalaJuly 21, 2011 at 6:00 PM

    Thank you, Joanna. It wasn't easy to write and ever since I have it's been haunting me....

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  56. ayalaJuly 21, 2011 at 6:01 PM

    Thank you, Rudri. xoxo.

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  57. ayalaJuly 21, 2011 at 6:02 PM

    Thank you, Jannie.
    it was an amazing place.
    xoxo

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  58. ayalaJuly 21, 2011 at 6:03 PM

    Thank you, Lauren. I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard. Sending you good wishes.

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  59. KBJuly 22, 2011 at 2:27 AM

    Heartbreaking.

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  60. Celestial DreamzJuly 22, 2011 at 4:07 AM

    ohh u are making me cry dear lady ... my ma is 73 now and i live in constant fear ... i can't think of life without her..... very emotional and beautiful poem as usual.

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  61. ayalaJuly 22, 2011 at 8:58 AM

    Thanks, KB.

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  62. ayalaJuly 22, 2011 at 9:00 AM

    Thank you, Baishali. I know how you feel, I used to be so scared that my parents would pass and then they did....it's been a tough.

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